Harry Potter and The Amazing Race
by Alif Maksura
Summary: Five continents, 60,000 miles, and 11 teams of two. Rated T for profanity. Nope, I haven't abandoned it. Your favorite show and favorite book franchise are BACK!
1. Cast

DISCLAIMER: This is based on the brilliant recaps by Miss Alli of "Television Without Pity". I do not own the website, and I am not Miss Alli.

Before we start the story, we have to meet the teams.

**Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger** are dating. He comes complete with a very impractical cowboy hat, and she comes with a baby-blue bandanna tied around her head just under her Teeny Tiny Ponytail Horns Of Fashion Tragedy. I think we have just seen the Amazing Race Bad Headgear Champs make their debut. They're also from Texas, so…you know, yee-ha, I guess. In an interview, Hermione says they are "the ultimate team." Actually, I would think that would be, like, Albert Einstein and Shaq, but I suppose it might be these two if those other two weren't available. I really, really hate Hermione's hair when they show it down, because it's that permy-stringy-looking blonde stuff that girls always have right before they go off the deep end and quit the cheerleading squad in a huff. Ron starts talking and -- great honk, Ron, what _did_ you do to your teeth? My goodness, the man's teeth are so white they can be used in heavy fog to signal passing ships. They're deeply disturbing. I have no idea whether that's a chemical or a mechanical effect, but I'm telling you, that white is not found in nature on anyone's teeth. Anyone's. At any rate, he says he has no fears except coming in second. Actually, that's not an entirely dumb-ass comment, so that's one point for Ron, The Glowtoothed Boy. Furthermore, he has lovely blue eyes.

**Rita Skeeter and Cornelieus Fudge** are from Tennessee, and they have those funny southern accents that sound like you made them up. They're doing the race for the Ministry of Magic. Yeah, okay. She goes on to say that they're "real people" and they have "real emotions" and "real problems," but it comes out as "rill pipe-le," "rill imotions," and "rill prawblems." We see a shot of them writing in the _Daily Prophet_. Yeah, okay. I get it. They're the ideal pure-blood wizards.

**Fred and George Weasley** are best friends from Miami Beach. Here, we see Oswald complain that they'll miss flying first class, because drinking 7-UP after you've had champagne isn't easy. He also says that they're going on the trip because they're "absolutely fabulous."

**Pansy Parkinson and Draco Malfoy.** They're married, but they hate each other, which is understandable, as we will soon find out. They've only known each other three and a half years, and they've been married-but-separated for two, so...you do the math. Either way, their most stable relationship point seems to be as a separated couple. In an interview, Pansy says she's not sure they can get along. Because they're both incredibly obnoxious. Okay, I said that last part. Malfoy chimes in that if they do well in the race, they might get back together. Because they're both incredibly obnoxious. Okay, that was me, too. Anyway, he's wearing an idiotic hat, so -- bye, Malfoy.

**Molly and Ginny Weasley**. Ginny is very excited to spend some time with her mom -- who's very pretty, incidentally, and doesn't look nearly old enough to be Ginny's mom, in my personal opinion. We see some footage of them playing with a scarf, which is rather fake-looking. (The footage, not the scarf.)

**Harry Potter and Neville Longbottom.** You know, they look an awful lot alike. I mean, one is taller, but they have the same hair, and they're built exactly the same, kinda squatty and buff without necks. They're from Boston, and they say they're best friends forever. And they call each other "this kid." So that's...very boy of them.

The obligatory Minnesota connection rears its pious head in the form of **Professors Flitwick and McGonagall**, who are "Hogwarts wizards from Minnesota." Where in Minnesota? Eh, doesn't matter. It's all the same. Eveleth, Minneapolis, Austin, International Falls, Moorhead...whatever, it's all freakin' fly-over territory, right? (Eye roll.) Flitwick has really creepy hair with that mostly-shaved-except-the-flat-top thing going, and normally I'd think this pegged him as a military guy, but in fact, he's a teacher. Actually, they're both teachers.

**Bellatrix and Narcissa** are evil witches. They've decided to christen themselves the "Gutsy Grannies," which is certainly the last time you're going to hear that name used around here. That? Is a terrible nickname. Too cute, too self-congratulatory, too much. I'm tempted to go with Team Efferdent just to spite them. Furthermore, they have monogrammed sweaters that say "GG#1" and "GG#2." I wish I were joking. The clothes are like low-rent homemade Hagrid-wear, and that is not a compliment.

**Colin and Dennis Creevy.** These kind of tiresome, self-congratulatory pipsqueaks are literally everywhere, which is probably part of why I hate them so, so, so much. Furthermore, they have Knit Hats Of Unbelievable And Intolerable Sucking, which are monogrammed with a "C" and a "D." Colin tells us in a voice-over that they "barely tolerate each other." (That much I can certainly believe.) Dennis says there's "respect and understanding." Colin says they're going to do "everything short of a felony" to win. Thanks, Colin, for that spontaneous moment of humor, brought to us by the notes you probably have written on your hand in permanent marker about all the witty things you intend to say. Prick.

**Parvati and Lavender.** Lavender is kind of a flake, you can tell immediately, because women like her do not wear double-ponytails for the first day of anything. Once you're established, you can wear them. But on the first day? At her age? No. Parvati, on the other hand, looks smart. Lavender says she does whatever Parvati says, and it looks like that's why Lavender is still alive. Parvati says Lavender has been "catered to," and that's about to stop. No more baby quiches for you.

**Dean and Seamus.** They're twins. They have psych degrees. I couldn't tell you which is which if you tied me to a tree and threatened to sic large dogs on me. They definitely are cool, but they are in fact freakishly identical, which some identical twins actually aren't. We see them playing basketball, which is especially eerie because you can see that they really do move exactly the same way. They think the expectations for twins will be extra-high.

Albus Dumbledore, the host of the show, wonders aloud if the teams can handle the stress of the long journey. He wonders whether the competing teams will be friends or enemies, and mentions the need for "brains, brawn, and teamwork." And in his inimitable Dumbledore fashion, he says that these are the questions as we "get ready to begin...dramatic pause..._The Amazing Race_."


	2. And they're off! Part 1

DISCLAIMER: This is based on the brilliant recaps by Miss Alli of "Television Without Pity". I do not own the website, and I am not Miss Alli.

The teams stand in a line facing Dumbledore as he explains the rules. There are 11 legs. Most of them are elimination legs, some are not. At the start of each leg, teams will receive some money that must cover all expenses, except airplane tickets. The first team to cross the finish line will win 1million dollars! "If you're last...you'll be eliminated." Phil is the master of the dramatic pause. Anyway, the idea is to grab your luggage which has your first clue on top, jump in a Ford Explorer, and go, go, go. "The world is waiting for you, good luck," Dumbledore says. "Travel safe," he continues, an expression that would seem to have an added twinge to it these days. "GO!"

(Everything in parenthesis is pure opinion, and is intended for humor.)

Fastest by far in the footrace are Harry and Neville, who make it to their packs in a jif. The clue says to fly to Rio de Janeiro, which makes Malfoy say, "Yeah, baby!" (Let's call that Just The First Of Many Reasons To Hate Malfoy's Sorry Guts.) Each team gets $200 for the leg.

Everybody runs to the Ford Explorers and jumps in. SUVs streak across the desert, surrounded by a cloud of dust, in a classic "specially trained drivers on closed course, do not try this at home" shot. The first thing you have to do is get to McCarran Airport in Las Vegas, so that's ultimately the point of all the driving. Rita reads more about the clue, and man, that is some impressive accent she's sporting. Pansy brightly points out that the second flight leaves two hours after the first, so they should get on the first one. (Yeah, thanks, genius.)

In the Parvati and Lavender car, the Flower points out that everybody else is driving a slightly different direction, and Parvati responds that she doesn't think they should worry about everybody else, just about finding the flag. She says in an interview that the Flower is a kind person, which "goes a long way."

Dean tells Seamus to focus on the flag, because all the dust is making it mighty hard to see. In their car, Bellatrix and Narcissa agree. Narcissa tells us in a voice-over that she and Bellatrix aren't particularly tough, but they're "shrewd" and occasionally "fast." (That is not a particularly riveting team description.)

Meanwhile, Harry and Neville spot the flag. "Right there, right there!" one of them yells, except it comes out as "Right they-ah, right they-ah!" Aye, the unavoidable accents. "See that right there? Flag. Haul ass." (Okay, they're a bit likeable, just because they're having a good time.)

Ron and Hermione see the flag, too, and he from the back seat tells her she's driving that she's "awesome." Aww.

Driving, driving, and now we're in town. Harry and Neville pull into a gas station and ask directions to Vegas. One of them calls the other one "Daddy-O," (which is old and lame. Ugh.) Polly and Ginny are right behind. Narcissa is being really irritating, telling Bellatrix to "get out of here" and "let's move" and all that rot. (Chill out, lady, seriously.) Everybody gets directions, and they're off.

Malfoy and Pansy are having a fight that manages to look both contrived and really, really irritating at the same time. "This way?" Malfoy asks. "That way?" She says no to both. "What do you mean 'no'?" he says, like a total moron. In an interview, Pansy says that they've been separated for two years, but they're still friends, they still "hang out," and they still "do stuff." (Yeah, that's right. Because nobody else is going to "do stuff" with either of you, and there's only so much "stuff" you can live without "doing." Although when Malfoy is involved? Ew.)

Molly and Ginny miss the turn. (Oops.)

Twenty miles to Vegas. When they see the twenty-mile sign, Fred and George start celebrating, but when George starts touching him from the back seat, Fred cautions, "I'm driving, I'm driving." (Hee.)

Colin says that the best thing he and Dennis can do as a team is "be underestimated." (Well, you're off to a good start, fool.) Dennis calls the team "two funny, crazy best friends against the world." (Can they back that up? No.)

Everybody wants on the first plane. As teams arrive at the airport, (and in a move that totally reaffirms my faith in the intelligence of airport security), Colin and Dennis are stopped by a cop. Colin says, "We got pulled over by Johnny Law over here." (Huh?) In fact, everybody gets stopped Malfoy, for some reason, dances back and forth while declaring it to be "part of the game" and it seems that this provides a mild bunching effect. Dumbledore says that there are only enough spots on the first flight for seven teams, and then the last four will take a later flight.

Lots of feet running.

First on the good flight? Malfoy and Pansy. (D'oh!) Second, Ron and Hermione. Third, Rita and Fudge. Fourth, McGonagall and Flitwick, the inimitable Team Teachers (the nickname I'm giving them). Fifth, Harry and Neville. Neville tells us that he speaks Portuguese (what a surprise), because he played soccer (mmmm, soccer) for a team in Brazil for six months. (Nice.) Anyway, sixth on the flight are Parvati and Lavender. Parvati says that she and Lavender love each other, and that the Flower loves travel, but just doesn't know it yet.

Colin is trying to get in a fight with Dean over who's next in line, but he actually looks like even he knows he has no case. Dean is like, "Whatever, Poindexter, get your ass back in line." And with that, the twins are last on the flight. And Colin and Dennis are stuck on the last plane. (Woooooo! A good development already.)

The top seven teams relax on their flight. The last four board theirs a couple of hours later. Fred says that he and George were sad to be on the last flight. Colin tells Dennis they "can't be last." Tragically, because the universe is never that friendly, that's probably true. Ginny tells her mom that she doesn't like the fact that they've fallen behind so quickly. Bellatrix and Narcissa are sad, too. Basically, the trailing teams are all kinds of sad, logically enough.

The Amazing Yellow Line on The Amazing World Map approaches Rio. Green mountains! A towering waterfront city! Everybody's half-naked! Some of those very small bathing suits are ill-advised! On the plane, Harry and Neville are sleeveless. (Okay, maybe that was unnecessary to mention.) Anyway, seven teams are being cared for by American Airlines while the other four are on, as Dumbledore ominously adds, "another carrier".

Dumbledore tells us that the teams will have to get to Cristo Redentor the Statue of Christ, located at the top of Corcovado Mountain. We see the first plane land, resplendent with its American Airlines logo. The teams run from the plane and jump into cabs. Pansy shrieks (no, really shrieks) at their driver, "Fast, fast, fast!" Ick. She demands to go to "Corvocado", and Malfoy patronizingly insists that it's "Corvado". (Idiots.)

Cabs. Ron and Hermione high-five. They high-five a lot, actually. She says Ron is "a huge motivator." She interviews that having him "pushing her forward" will be "awesome." (Her hair looks like a wig.) Back at the mountain, the big statue looms. In Team Drawl's cab, Fudge is trying to figure out the fastest way to the top. Their cabbie doesn't so much speak English, unfortunately. At this news, Rita says, "Oh, shewwwt." Hee. Rita and Fudge are passed by the Teachers cab, inside which McGonagall comments on this development. Drawl looks sad, and Teachers just has to comment on how sweet Rita and Fudge are. (Yeah, easy to say when you're dusting their asses.)

In their cab, Pansy and Malfoy despair that their driver won't exceed the speed limit. (Heh. I think they're being held back by the dark force of Malfoy's hair, which looks like he cut it with a circular saw and styled it with a belt sander.) Harry and Neville are bumping along, while Neville tells the driver to haul ass in Portuguese. (Excellent). Everybody heads up, up, up the mountain toward the statue. Lavender gets motion sickness. Meanwhile, McGonagall notes that Parvati and Lavender are right behind them. "That's all right," Flitwick says. "I know," McGongall agrees. "I'm glad." (Eep, serious insincerity alert. She's glad? NOT. We love to pretend we're only happy when we're tied with everyone). Anyway, everybody de-cabs and runs up the mountain. Parvati gives the Flower some encouragement: "You can do it, you're almost there." Eventually, she has her by the hand as they head up.

Ron and Hermione appear to experience a car-trunk-opening delay, but eventually they get moving. Wizards have trouble finding the flag, and Lavender is actually the one to spot it. (Aw, good job, Flower.) Parvati opens the clue, which tells them to head for Paqueta Island and kiss Fat Maria. Dumbledore explains that they have to grab a boat to the island, and that Fat Maria is a big tree. (No, LITERALLY -- it's a big tree.) Apparently, kissing the tree is good luck. (Unless the tree has a horrible fungus or something, probably, in which case it's not as lucky, quite.) Flitwick and McGonagall open the clue, and then they high-five the approaching Ron and Hermione on the way down, with McGonagall yammering, "Great job, great job." As Ron and Hermione read the clue and run off, they say, "Fat Maria, here we come, baby! Wooooo!" (All right, enough with the wooos.)

Malfoy bitches about their cab driver. (Part of the race, dweeb -- didn't you ever watch the show?) Of course, when they read the clue about "kiss Fat Maria," Malfoy leans over and kisses the skinny Pansy. (Because God knows, that is SO funny. Seriously. No one else would have thought of that. You are so clever, Malfoy. Fat jokes directed at your skinny ex-wife? I am dying here, really.)

In their cab, Ron laments to Hermione that they didn't get to look at the statue. She happily corrects him that she looked at it.

The Teachers heads for the northern dock, where there are no people. They notice that nobody's around, and it makes them nervous. The other teams gradually arrive at the southern dock, where there's a big giant ferry. (Uh-oh.) Malfoy and Pansy, Ron and Hermione, Parvati and Lavender, Harry and Neville, Dean and Seamus, and Rita and Fudge all get on board. The Teachers continue to worry. There are no people at their dock, and there's no boat. Back on the ferry, high-fives among Harry and Ron, and then Neville and Malfoy. (Well, that's nice to see.) Also, a nice mid-five between Fudge and Hermione. There is some amicable chatting during the boat ride as well. At the Teacher's Deserted Dock, Flitwick frets and frets. McGonagall tells him that the other flight is way behind, so even if they're wrong about the boat, they have time to correct it without needing to freak out. (Interesting theory.)

Speaking of the other flight on "the other carrier", it lands. Fred and George, Colin and Dennis, Bellatrix and Narcissa, and Molly and Ginny pile off. Into the cabs they go. Fred comments, "Dude! I'm in Brazil!" (Why yes, Fred. You are. Calm down.) Colin, angling for his Funny Points and missing by a mile, says in Spanish, incidentally, and not Portuguese that he has to get to the statue in order to convert, because he's Jewish. (I'm sorry, but...what? Is it a joke now just to say you're Jewish?) In their cab, Bellatrix moans to Narcissa that "there's no way they can compete with those young kids." Narcissa comes back that they have to "make every effort."

Hey, here comes a speedy little boat, right up to Team Teacher's Deserted Dock! Ha! On the ferry, the other teams wonder where the Teachers went. The Teachers went on the fast boat, is where they went. Ha, again! They whiz by on a hydrofoil, right past the big, slow ferry. Excellent.

We're back at The Really Big Jesus, where the four trailing teams are finding the clue. Narcissa complains about the number of stairs. (Okay, seriously, this is beginning to be like taking someone's not-very-fun grandma on a trip with you where she has to go to the bathroom every five minutes and always thinks the car radio is too loud.)

Here we are at Paqueta Island. The hydrofoil lands first, so the Teachers are in first place. McGonagall gets a local woman to take her to the kissing tree. Random shot of guys playing music on the street, which is all very atmospheric but kind of irrelevant. The Teachers kiss the tree. "We better be kissin' the right tree," McGonagall says. (I hate it when I kiss the wrong tree, don't you?) They open the next clue, which tells them to get themselves to the Lido Hotel, where they have to find the ticket counter for a tour company that will put them on a boat the next day.

The leg isn't over yet, but this is a long story, so the rest of it is in the next chapter.


	3. And they're off! Part 2

DISCLAIMER: This is based on the brilliant recaps by Miss Alli of "Television Without Pity". I do not own the website, and I am not Miss Alli.

(Everything in parenthesis is pure opinion, and is intended for humor.)

When we last left the race, teams were in Rio de Janerio.

Here's the ferry. Xerox (nickname for Dean and Seamus), July (nickname for Harry and Neville), Ron/Hermione, Malfoy/Pansy, Rita/Fudge, Parvati/Flower. Everybody runs for transportation to the fat tree. They run into the Teachers, coming the other direction. "Lookit, it's the preacher!" Pansy snots. (Little twit.) She and Malfoy (who is wearing seriously the ugliest shirt I have ever seen) kiss the tree, grab the clue, and mercifully get the hell out of my sight. Lots more tree-kissing, including from Ron and Hermione, who make a big smooching noise. (My, are they perky.)

The Teachers at the Lido Hotel, with Malfoy and Pansy hot on their heels. The Teachers get their reservations for the first boat which holds three teams. Pansy finds the reservation desk for the boat, but Malfoy is nowhere around. While she screams for him, Dean and Seamus show up, and then Ron and Hermione. Pretty much everybody shows up before Pansy can locate Malfoy. She smacks Neville's backpack, insisting that she was there first, but she's laughing, because she knows she has no case. Her teammate wasn't there, and either she didn't go ahead and do the reservation without him, or she couldn't.

(In the mood for some Malfoy-hating?) He comes up, butts in line ahead of about six teams, and insists that he and Pansy are ahead of Ron and Hermione. (Oh, seriously -- NOT.) He and Ron fight for a while, and then Malfoy ominously says, "I'm going to remember all this, because you know what? We were here." (No, Malfoy. You weren't there. You'd have tickets if you'd been there.) Malfoy also says "whatever" a lot, in a way that's just hopelessly passive-aggressive. Ick. Dean explains succinctly that "if they went there first, and then mistakenly went somewhere else, and then came back? The bottom line is, they left." Right on, Captain Xerox. Malfoy and Pansy, meanwhile, fight about whose fault it is that they got beat. It's Malfoy's, of course, since he was the one who wasn't where they needed to be, but of course he blusters and prickles and whines, as people so often do when they know they're wrong.

Parvati and the Flower learn that they aren't leaving until tomorrow, and start talking about where to spend the night. Ron and Hermione are thinking beach. Harry and Neville rent a little room. They mention that it's no problem having such close quarters, since they know each other so well. (I'm not sure I entirely want to explore that.)

Now Parvati and the Flower have a stupid discussion in which Parvati wants to eat, and the Flower wants to sleep in a room instead of on the beach. (That is VERY stupid, Flower. You have to eat. You don't have to have a room. You can do both, or you can eat, but you can't not eat, silly girl.) The Flower does say that she'll sleep on the beach if Parvati makes her.( Oh, criminy. How old is this girl?) Finally, the Flower busts out, "I don't even like you," (which I would have found funny if it had seemed good-humored, but it didn't. So I didn't.)

Now off the ferry come Colin and Dennis, Molly and Ginny, Fred and George, and Bellatrix and Narcissa. Trees are kissed. Fred and George get to the hotel and run for the boat reservation, followed by Molly and Ginny. Ginny snots that "the only people behind us are elderly people." Nice. Molly comments that their far-back position isn't because of ability, and Ginny agrees that it's "wrong place, wrong time." (Well, yes and no. There's luck, but I have to believe there's some ability at work also.)

Pansy and Malfoy, strolling. As Malfoy bitches that Ron isn't an honorable player, we get a shot of shirtless Ron (use your imagination, ladies) flashing his insanely white teeth. Malfoy claims that he was "ready to whack" Ron, (and somehow I'm not convinced Malfoy could have done that even if he'd wanted to. I think Ron would go, "Woooo-whee!" and git him with a branding iron.) Anyway, Pansy says, "Stop it, Malfoy," (and at least I give her a point for that.) Malfoy says, "Drop it." (What? Is he talking to himself?) Now we cut to the reservation booth, where apparently the teams have gathered to argue some more about this. "You basically cut in front of a lot of people to get a boat ahead of us, which you shouldn't have," Malfoy says to Ron. (That's certainly not true. Aside from Malfoy's one-team-member-there-means-we're-both-there argument, we saw nothing to suggest that Ron and Hermione cut in front of anyone.) "But if that's the way you're gonna play, that's the way you're gonna play." Malfoy delivers this line like a third-grader. (I'm afraid his attempt to cast Ron and Hermione as dirty players isn't getting him anywhere, despite the fact that he's certainly trying like hell.) Ron looks baffled. "We're not pissed, we're just saying..." he begins. "I'm sure you're not pissed!" Malfoy bitches. "You're ahead of me on the boat, when you shouldn't have been, but...whatever." (Malfoy is unbelievably whiny. And he desperately needs to stop saying "whatever" in that I-hate-you way.) But instead of shutting up, he goes on. "You don't have any language skills," he whines, "you don't have a travel as extensively as I have _sic_, so there. Let's just leave you." (Yes, he said "so there.") Harry and Neville, incidentally, are looking on interestedly, no doubt watching Malfoy expose his soft underbelly and loving every minute of it. Ron looks a little stunned. (I'll give Ron credit for not letting Malfoy bait him too much.) Later, as Ron and Hermione sleep on the beach, he predicts in a voice-over that other teams will underestimate them because they're young and perky.

Sunrise. Hermione does some yoga, or some tai chi, (or something else that would give me a feeling of enlightenment and a strained hamstring.) Pansy tells us that Malfoy and Ron don't like each other. Hermione says Malfoy gets "testy." Pansy says that "if people are pushing you, then you're going to have to push them back." (Yeah, all right, Pansy. Be an apologist, because that's what the guy really needs.)

Dumbledore tells us that the teams have to travel by boat from Paqueta Island to Rio de Janeiro. Then they take the gondola up onto Sugarloaf Mountain, where the next red-and-yellow flag is located. First boat? The Teachers, Xerox, and Ron and Hermione. Second boat? Pansy and Malfoy, Rita and Fudge. Third boat? Harry and Neville, Parvati and the Flower, Fred and George. Last boat? Colin and Dennis (ha!), Molly and Ginny, and Bellatrix and Narcissa.

The first boat lands. (Ron's freckles really stand out.) We cut to Sugarloaf Mountain. Everybody hops out of the cabs and onto a little...bus. Once the second boat lands, Malfoy and Pansy borrow their cab driver's cell phone to call somebody they met on the airplane in order to get good directions to the mountain. Speaking of the mountain, the three teams that are already there look around until they find the flag and the clue. Detour.

Your choices for the Detour are to rappel down a rather large mountain (yeesh), or to take a lengthy walk on the beach to look for the original Girl From Ipanema. (She's a bit leathery these days, so don't crack her in half or anything.) The three lead teams Ron/Hermione, the Teachers, and Xerox take off for the mountain, apparently in pretty good and cooperative spirits. (It's amazing what being nowhere near Malfoy will do.)

Speaking of the dickweed himself, here come Malfoy and Pansy up the mountain.

Let's rappel! Everybody gets strapped in. Dean thinks it's kind of a long way down, and we get a super-tight shot from his helmet-cam as he says, "Oh, my holy God." Apparently, he's afraid of heights, which is really not the thing to be on this particular trip. But he goes anyway, as does Hermione, as Ron tells her she's "the best." (I kinda like Ron and Hermione, although they could easily start annoying me at any time, I think.) As McGonagall takes off, she fills us in that she didn't actually know what "rappel" meant until she did it. She goes on to be surprised that it's such a long way down. Dean tells himself not to look down. (Yeah, nooooo kidding.)

Here comes the Pansy and Malfoy gondola. I hate them.

Ron and Hermione are butt-kicking rappelers. Interesting. Xerox? Is a bit nervous. Dean tells us that he's happy he has a "clean pair of shorts." (Uhh...thanks. That's a little bit too much information there, Dean.) Meanwhile, Flitwick takes off. He immediately racks himself against the rocks -- pow. Ron and Hermione and Xerox are off and done.

Now this is eerie. Loud Pushy Malfoy smacks Pansy in the head as she gets ready to rappel. (What the hell? I mean, she's smiling, but can this guy get a new joke, other than the how-much-of-a-jerk-he-is joke?)

Ron reads the post-rappel clue, which sends them to a yacht, which is the actual pit stop. Last one in will probably not last long enough for a nickname. Ron says that "every second counts." Dumbledore repeats the clue details, including the fact that basically they're supposed to go to a particular beach, from which they can see the yacht they need to get to, and then they get a boat to take them out to the yacht itself. (The arrival mat is fancy.)

Malfoy, rappelling. (This is just like watching the Olympic skating, because I'm entertaining myself by going, "Fall! Fall!")

Parvati and the Flower read the clue, as does Team Drawl. George and Fred and Harry and Neville pick the rappel, as has everyone else. Meanwhile, Pansy and Malfoy finish the rappel, and Ron and Hermione grab a cab for the flag-spotting beach. Ron and Hermione seem to slip a little, perhaps not quite knowing how to instruct their driver. Pansy and Malfoy, on the other hand, jump on a bus, despite not knowing exactly what they're doing. Malfoy mentions that in this race, you can turn around and find another team "breathing down your throat." (Please, please -- let's not explore what he means by that, or exactly who he would like to have breathing down his throat.) Anyway, Pansy and Malfoy get lucky and spot the flag quick, and they head for a boat to take them where they need to go. Whatever.

Rita kicks the rappel's ass, and Fudge watches her admiringly. (Aww.) Colin and Dennis and Molly and Ginny head for the rappel also. Bellatrix and Narcissa, on the other hand, are having none of the rappelling, so they're off to the beach.

Pansy and Malfoy find a dock and a boat, and they're off. They pay a hundred bucks. The Teachers and Xerox find a boat together. So do Ron and Hermione and Fudge and Rita. But unfortunately, Pansy and Malfoy are first to clamber up onto the yacht. Waiting at the pit stop marker are Dumbledore and the goofiest-looking skipper ever, (a guy whose red polo shirt and white captain's hat make for a VERY _Gilligan's Island_ moment, if you ask me.) Dumbledore congratulates them on being first, and then tells them that they've won a post-race vacation to Hawaii, courtesy of American Airlines. They high-five and jump up and down. (Squick.)

Next in are McGonagall and Flitwick and Xerox. Everybody's happy. Dean and Seamus knock fists.

Back at the rappelling mountain, Colin finishes up, lands at the bottom, and says, "And that's how it's done, guys." (Yeah, that wasn't funny, either. If he had managed to deliver that line 1 as if he was actually terrified; 2 with genuine cockiness; or 3 with any degree of genuineness, he might be getting somewhere. As it is, he's just bugging me.)

Bellatrix and Narcissa's search for The Girl From Ipanema goes on. They can't speak Portuguese, so they can't seem to tell their driver where they need to go. Meanwhile, Molly and Ginny start down the mountain. Molly talks about how Ginny just put it to her -- "Do you have a problem rappelling?" -- and she said no. (There's a nice feel to this team. I kinda like them. Ginny is a little much, but I have a feeling she's probably an okay kid, just kind of mouthy and pushy, and I certainly have no objection to that.)

More Ipanema-looking. More rappelling.

Molly is taking quite a while with the rappelling, it appears. Ginny is anxious.

Bellatrix and Narcissa find, at long last, The Raisin From Ipanema.

Ginny cheers for her mom as she comes down.

The Raisin gives Bellatrix and Narcissa the beach/flag/yacht clue. Molly makes it down, and she and Ginny read the clue as well.

(Now this is cute.) Ron and Hermione and Rita and Fudge, arms around each other and actually looking pretty happy, step onto the mat as a group, and Dumbledore tells them that they're teams four and five. (I could get to like this crowd right here, if they don't get annoying.)

Molly and Ginny grab a cab. Ginny is hoping that most of the other teams took the long way around on the beach and didn't do the rappel, so maybe they're okay. Sniff. Meanwhile, Colin and Dennis try to haggle with their boat guy, which they do by calling him "amigo." (Very smart, dickweeds.) Their "amigo" is having none of it, prompting Dennis to stomp off, calling the guy what sounds like a "squindler." He may have said "swindler" very weirdly, but it really does sound like "squindler." (Either way, he's a moron.) Bellatrix and Narcissa try to rent a boat.

July arrives on the boat, and Dumbledore tells them they're sixth. Harry and Neville high-five.

Molly and Ginny are in the taxi, on their way. Colin and Dennis line up their ride, as do Bellatrix and Narcissa. Molly frets to Ginny, as they wait for a boat, about how long it took her to rappel down, and Ginny tells her not to worry -- she did great. (Aww.)

All of a sudden, Parvati and the Flower land in seventh place. (Hey, did Parvati and the Flower do the rappel or what? How weird. They vanished for quite a while there. I assume they rappelled, but they might not have.) Fred and George land in eighth. They share a big smooch, but they're not a couple or anything.

Here are Colin and Dennis. Losers. They're ninth, (which is two spots too far up for me, but you already know that.) So now it's Bellatrix and Narcissa and Molly and Ginny, heading for the yacht. Last one in is a rotten egg. Ginny rests her arm on her mom's shoulder.

Bellatrix and Narcissa climb onto the yacht. They're wearing matching shirts again...grrrr. Told that they're tenth, they yowl with delight. (I hate them as well.)

Polly and Ginny approach the yacht. They step on the mat, and are eliminated. Ginny claps and pats her mom on the back. "We did a good job," she says.


	4. Let's do the twist! Part 1

DISCLAIMER: This is based on the brilliant recaps by Miss Alli of "Television Without Pity". I do not own the website, and I am not Miss Alli.

(Everything in parenthesis is pure opinion, and is intended for humor.)

(Previously on The Amazing Race: Eleven teams of wizards took off from a desolate portion of Nevada, and made their way to Rio. Ron successfully lobbied the Ministry of Magic for an exemption from the Universal Hat Contempt Act (UHCA). Dumbledore talked a lot, and paused a lot. The Really Big Jesus, Fat Maria The Kissing Tree, and Sugarloaf Mountain loomed large. Bellatrix and Narcissa were just sure they were eliminated, and when they weren't, they screamed loudly enough to wake up bears hibernating in foreign countries. Ron hissed and Malfoy spat, and they pulled each other's hair. Polly and Ginny were eliminated.)

We careen around Rio de Janeiro, pausing briefly to admire The Really Big Jesus. Dumbledore, in a lovely sky-blue robe that brings out his voice, strolls on the deck of the Rio yacht where the first leg ended. He explains that the teams are resting and mingling. Believe it or not, there's a shot of Bellatrix mingling while wearing the same sour, defeated expression she wears for much of the rest of the episode. I think her socks are too tight or something. Anyway, Dumbledore says the teams have no idea what's in store for them, have to figure it out for themselves, find the route markers etc. Dumbledore wonders aloud whether the teams will be friends or be competitive, and whether Malfoy will stop being a jackass. (Okay, I was the one who was wondering about that. Dumbledore was just thinking it to himself quietly.)

11:06 PM. Pansy and Malfoy (his hair looks even more like a clog in the drain than last time, and her Flowing Straw-Like Hippie Hair isn't much better) prepare to leave. They're sporting those always-fashionable large orange rectangular life preservers. Malfoy and Pansy open the clue, which tells them that they have to take a little boat back to the beach, and then hop in a blue taxi and go to a Samba Club. In an interview, Malfoy says he couldn't ask for a better partner, because Tara is the "calming person" when he's the "hothead." (Presumably, his awareness of this fact and his associated appreciation is why he treats her like crap when she tries to calm him down. Oh, wait a minute, that _makes no sense_. Man, I really hate this guy. I would also point out that what he's wearing on his head looks like a rejected design for the Sorting Hat.) Anyway, the little boat zips them to shore, and they find the row of blue taxis. The cameramen vibrate along the highway as Dumbledore re-explains the clue, adding that the teams have also received a feather, and once they get to the nightclub, they have to find the dancer whose headdress matches the feather. She'll give them the next clue.

11:34 PM. Team Teachers. They open the clue. Boat, taxi, and they're on their way.

11:35 PM. Dean and Seamus. They notice that their lead on the people behind them is practically nothing. One of them voices over that their high level of communication skills gives them kind of a creepy telepathic advantage. Cool.

Slytherin cab. Apparently, according to what we have learned about cab karma, they did not tip their first cabbie, because this one has no freaking idea where he's going. Ha! Furthermore, Pansy has caught on that the driver is clueless, and Malfoy the Malfunction is still insisting that everything is fine. (Whatever, Captain Denial-o. I notice here that Pansy is wearing big rings on her fingers. You know what I don't think is too practical during this particular race? Big rings. Future reality show contestants can file that under "Things To Leave At Home," along with Very Large Dangly Earrings and High-Heeled Shoes. Just some friendly advice.)

Interestingly enough, the Teachers's cab driver isn't doing much better with finding the club, although he may be distracted by the fact that he's enthusiastically eating while driving. Eventually, Hungry Driver stops to ask directions.

Pansy and Malfoy are yelling at their cab driver, which really doesn't appear to be helping anything. Among other things, she yells the street number in Spanish like the driver is an idiot, (which I really don't think is going to do a whole lot.) The driver says, "Yeah, yeah," and Pansy makes fun of him. (Even if it weren't bitchy as hell, which it is, that isn't very smart. I don't like her very much more than I like him.) The Teachers, meanwhile, find the club first. In an interview, McGongall says that they've never been in a place quite like this before, what with the mostly-naked dancers with big headdresses and everything. I suppose they don't have too much of that stuff at Hogwarts, even on the really big holidays. They find the right dancer starting out when McGonagall yells out rather hilariously, "Ladies! Ladies!" Hee!. Although Flitwick fumbles the kiss-kiss the dancer tries to give him, they do wind up with the clue.

In the world of Pansy and Malfoy Getting Worse And Worse, they owe their driver Galleons, but Pansy only wants to give him twenty. And then she wants to give him nothing. "You sucked!" she yells. "Come on, you sucked!" They enter the club just as the Teachers are leaving. In their cab, Flitwick and McGonagall are actually quite good-humored about what a good time everybody was having in the club, and they allow as how they don't really see too much of that in their part of the world. (Yeah, it's a little misplaced for rhinestone-studded thong bikinis and feathered headdresses in most parts of Hogwarts. That's why we stay in school and play Quidditch.)

Slytherin has the clue now, and they're back with the same driver. (Good grief, why would they get back in the cab with this guy -- and why would he take them?) The new clue tells them to go to Pedra Bonita, which is a big mountain. At the top, they'll find their next route marker.

Dean and Seamus are smooching the Feathered Girl in the club. They say they "got the clue and moved on."

12:19 AM. Ron and Hermione and Rita and Fudge, back on the yacht, open the clue. Ron voices over that he and Hermione are "a perfect match". Hermione has traded in the Hair Horns for a single Perky Dinner Roll atop her head, (so she and I are getting along better as well.) Rita, on the other hand, is wearing an acid-green visor. Oh, the agony. Fudge says in an interview that the race is an opportunity for him and Fudge to appreciate the fact that they love each other more than ever. (Good. I don't love them.)

12:20 AM. Harry and Neville (I'm calling them July because they were both born in that month.) Neville calls them "two good buddies tryin' to win a million bucks." In the boat to the beach, they discuss the feather. Neville: "Use your brain, what would you use a feather for, man?" Harry: "To get kinky with some chick?" (Oh, no. Suddenly, dread washes over me. They're THAT guy. Oh, no. Are they THAT guy? I comfort myself by pretending it was meant to be ironic in some way I can't quite figure out.)

12:45 AM. Parvati and Lavender. The Flower tells us in an interview that this is "more difficult than she ever could have imagined." She explains that her friend is "very demanding." (Yeah, I get that impression.) The Flower goes on to say that Parvati is "like a mule," and "can do anything." (Can mules do anything? I don't even think they can water-ski. Although, I'm sure the Flower means it as a compliment.)

12:46 AM. Fred and George. They say they "recognize each other for what they are." (I'm leaving that one right there. See? Walking away.)

At the club, Ron is trying, and failing, to dance with the Feathered Girl. He's really just kind of bouncing up and down. (Ron, if you want to attract girls, we have to have some rules, and one of them is that not being able to dance is okay, but doing the Pogo Stick Boogie as a substitute? Not so much.) Once they get the clue and leave, Ron comments that "Harry and Neville just went into the dancers." Yeah, I'll just bet they did.

July gets the clue.

In the Ron/Hermione cab, he comments how "hot" the Feathered Girl was. Hermione says, "You like dancing with hot girls when we're in a hurry." (I have to wonder whether this has happened before, and if so, under what possible circumstances.) Anyway, Rita and Fudge are in the club getting their clue. Once they clear out, they wind up behind July, and knowing that Neville speaks Portuguese, they decide that following those guys is a pretty good strategy. Speaking of Portuguese, Neville is indeed speaking it to their driver, heading for the mountain. July thinks they've picked a winner in The Cab Driver Sweepstakes.

Parvati and the Flower, followed by George and Fred, grab the clue and leave the club.

Slytherin is haranguing its cab driver some more. The tank is almost empty the dashboard warning light is actually on, and they're still driving around. Hee. Their driver hates them, you can tell. He has this cold glare like he's going to dump them by the side of the road at any time, and frankly, I wouldn't blame him. If we've learned anything about cab drivers, it's that the time to yell at them is after the ride, not during the ride. Do it during the ride, and the situation is sure to get worse.

1:24 AM. Colin and Dennis are still alive, (not having fallen off the boat in the middle of the night like I was hoping they would.) They open the clue. The "crazy best friends against the world" line is played again. In an interview, Colin points out that they may not have smarts (obviously) or looks (duh), but they have heart. (They do? Ugh.) And here, in another of their Obviously Rehearsed Moments Of Non-Spontaneous Levity, he says that tortoises aren't smart, but they win the race, and he and Dennis do the "ba-doop, ba-doop" Slow Turtle Theme from the old Warner Brothers cartoon. (You know, Colin and Dennis are here at the Giggle Barn every Saturday night, so tip your waitress and try the three-dollar steak special. It's delicious.)

1:32 AM. Bellatrix and Narcissa. They get to shore wearing T-shirts emblazoned with "GUTSY GRANDMA" on the back – ick. In an interview wearing "Bel" and "Nar" labeled shirts -- also ick, Bellatrix says that Narcissa is faster than she is. (I think this is in part because Narcissa spends more time moving and less time complaining, but I could be wrong.) Bellatrix goes on to say she gets tired easily. (Sigh. Can I ask what exactly these two, Bellatrix in particular, thought this experience was going to be like? I've never heard so much grousing in all my life. It's a race, witches. Get going. They get in a cab.)

The Teachers are at the mountain, where they de-cab. The climb up the hill looks pretty tough, and McGonagall is worried that she can't keep going. But she does. They make it up the mountain to the McFlag, and open the clue, which turns out to be a Detour. Dumbledore explains the whole choose-one-of-two-tasks notion behind the Detour. Your options this time? Go hang-gliding strapped to somebody who actually knows how to do it, of course, or spend what looks like it would be an enormous amount of time searching the beach with a metal detector. (In other words, they want everybody to go hang-gliding.) They call this Detour "Seek Out" or "Freak Out," (which is undoubtedly the worst Detour-naming job they have ever done.)

Anyway, the Teachers immediately pick hang-gliding, and good for them.

Dean and Seamus make their way toward the mountain. As they de-cab, their taxi driver doesn't quite realize that Dean has already climbed out, and he continues inching forward a little, eventually running over his foot. Ow. He runs over it but good, too, because Dean's shoe winds up entirely under the tire. Dean rolls on the ground, writhing in pain.

Dean explains that the cab driver ran over his heel. He thought he was going to be done for right then, but he gets up and shakes it off as well as he can. He says nothing short of a "body cast" will take him out of the race. He also, (in a move that completely endears him to me forever), lets the cabbie off the hook. "It's all right, it's all right, you didn't do it on purpose," he chuckles.

Slytherin arrives at the mountain. They get to the McFlag at about the same time as Xerox, it appears. Pansy asks Xerox and the Teachers whether they want to do the metal detector as a group project, but then in an interview, she claims that she never considered not hang-gliding. (So she's either full of it in her interview, or she's full of it when talking to the other teams, and either way, I have no idea what she could be trying to accomplish. Of course, given that she apparently spends a fair amount of time with Malfoy voluntarily, I don't really get her anyway, so I shouldn't be surprised.)

Bellatrix and Narcissa get to the club at about the same time as Colin and Dennis. After he and Dennis get the clue from the dancer, Colin laments that if he had had a few more minutes with her, he could have gotten her number. THUNK. (That was the sound of that joke hitting the floor like a dead body.) Bellatrix and Narcissa get the clue as well. In an interview, they explain that they thought the Fast Forward was their only chance at getting back on track. Phil explains the Fast Forward, and as it turns out, the Fast Forward on this leg involves winning ten points in beach volleyball against professional Brazilian players. Of course, the Brazilians have to play with their feet, and the teams can use their hands. (Because none of them play volleyball, I suppose.) Bellatrix sounds like she thinks doing the volleyball is pretty damn hopeless (there's a shock), but she lets Narcissa talk her into it.

Seamus explains that he's afraid of heights, so the hang-gliding was out. Furthermore, the metal detector would take too long, so they go for the Fast Forward. (Yeesh. They're in third right now, so I'm not sure I think using the Fast Forward now is a good idea at all, but hey, I'm willing to be convinced.)

Rita and Fudge and Harry and Neville make it up the mountain, followed by Fred and George and Ron and Hermione. Lots of high-fiving, which is actually kind of nice. Ron reads the clue and, in a major miscalculation, he says he thinks the metal detector will be faster. Ignoring the "first come, first served" aspect of the hang-gliding that makes it important to claim your place in line for the morning if that's what you're going to do, he and Hermione leave the growing queue to go "think about" whether they're going to do the glide or the beach. In the cab, he tells Hermione that his brilliant plan is to borrow a metal detector from someone and find the clue overnight (do they know for sure that it's been buried yet?), and then they can go right to it in the morning. She looks doubtful. This plan goes down in flames when they see the vast expanse of sand they'd have to search, and now they have to go back to the hang-glider area. Ron and Hermione, incidentally, are wearing shirts that I think are emblazoned with pictures of their family members, (which on the one hand is a well-intentioned thought, but on the other hand is as cheesy as a pizza.) Furthermore, he's walking around with one pant leg rolled up, and it just doesn't get doofier than that. (Ron, dude, you're losing me.) They bicker as they walk back, because she doesn't want to wind up last in line for the glider.

Colin and Dennis read the clue, and decide to go for the Fast Forward. Bellatrix and Narcissa are on their way to the volleyball too, but when they get there and see Dean and Seamus warming up, they panic, despair, and bail. (Sigh. Run the damn race. Stop obsessing about what you can and can't do and just get going already. Just a suggestion.)

Colin and Dennis approach Dean and Seamus, who are practicing. Colin wears The Anxious Grin Of A Guy Setting Up His Joke. "What's your volleyball experience?" he asks. Seamus says, "Not good, but...uh, how's yours?" Colin, nearly giddy that his plan worked, says, "I watched _Baywatch_." (Shut up, Colin.)

The Groanies (My nickname for Bellatrix and Narcissa) reach the top of the mountain, where Narcissa is hugged by Pansy (eww), who says, "You cute thangs." (Man, Pansy really bugs.) The Groanies read the clue, and Narcissa wants to hang-glide. Bellatrix, unsurprisingly, is intimidated by it. (Apparently, when she applied for _The Amazing Mall Walk_, she had no idea that something like hang-gliding might happen.) She says they should do the metal detector. Narcissa grins with tightly gritted teeth, and says, "Okay, Bellatrix." (Hee -- that was a little funny. Narcissa totally wants to choke Bellatrix at this point, and witches in a fist fight is pure comedy.) The other teams, however, start in on the Groanies about doing the glider. "Hang-glide! Hang-glide!" chants July. Narcissa explains to Fred and George that she's "terrified." "So is he," Fred says matter-of-factly, pointing to George, who is wrapped in a blanket like he just kissed the blue lips of Leo DiCaprio at the end of _Titanic_. "I have only gone on one rollercoaster ride in my life," George intones seriously. Pansy tells them they have to "relinquish those shirts" (that say "GUTSY GRANDMA") if they don't hang glide. Finally, Bellatrix gives in, and Narcissa lets out a "Yessss!" There is much rejoicing.

At 6:30 AM, we find ourselves at Copacabana Beach for the Fast Forward volleyball tournament. A twin voices over that he really wasn't terribly concerned about Colin and Dennis, (because – well, they're Colin and Dennis, and if you were Xerox, would you be worried about them?) The first team to score ten points off the Brazilians gets the Fast Forward. The long and the short of it is that the Brazilians initially kick both teams' butts. Dean says that they realized quickly that these people were "pretty good." (Well, they are professional volleyball players, after all.) He goes on to say that he and Seamus would have to "bring their A game in order to beat them." (No kidding. I think, in fact, that you'd have to bring about six more people in order to beat them, but if you "bring your A game," you might at least score the ten points before we all die of old age.) Colin and Dennis, meanwhile, are horrible. Which they clearly think is funny. Whatever. "There's a couple of sports I'm not so good at," Colin says. "Volleyball seems to be one of them." (You know, there is a funny line in there somewhere, but I don't think that's quite it. Ah, well.) He refers to Dean and Seamus as "the Doublemint twins". Right on que, the twins finally kick Colin and Dennis's butts. The FF sends Xerox to a "jungle camp" near Iguacu Falls. They hop in a cab and head for the bus station.

Colin and Dennis, because they are still idiots, go for the metal detector next. Meanwhile, back at the hang-gliding starting gate, Ron and Hermione show up, having fallen far, far back in the pack. Ron says that they ate breakfast and slept on the beach, which all sounds great, except that they should have been up on the mountain the entire time. Mistake. Everybody straps on their hang-gliding gear. Neville says he hopes some of the other teams are scared. Well, "scay-ahd" is what he actually says.

Down on the beach, Colin and Dennis choose a metal detector and set out on their treasure hunt. Dennis, because he is not quite as much of an idiot as Colin, quickly catches on that this is an insane thing for them to be spending time on. There's a mile and a half of beach and they're looking with a metal detector the size of a dinner plate. (Get the hint, geeks: The producers want you to go hang-gliding.)

Speaking of which, here we are, back up on the mountain. It's almost time for the Teachers to take off. Note that the teams go one member at a time, because each member has to be strapped to an instructor so as not to, you know, actually die. Flitwick is off first, followed by McGonagall. (Yes, we're made of stern stuff up here on the frozen tundra, and I'm starting to enjoy Flitwick and McGonagall's no-nonsense, go-get-'em attitude.) Anyway, Bellatrix looks on with trepidation, especially when she learns that you have to get a running start. She thought you just leaned off, like bungee jumping. (Sigh. Bellatrix isn't making this very easy.) She claims the problem is that she has a trick knee from an old skiing accident, (but truthfully? I think she's just scared. Which is fine, but I wish she'd just say that. Say "I'm going to pee my pants, I'm so scared," and I'll be your friend for life. "Uh, trick knee!"? Not so much.)

Colin tells Dennis that they need to give up and go for the glider. Yeah, no kidding, nitwit. They turn tail and run.

Pansy and Malfoy dive off the mountain. Unfortunately, the principles of hang-gliding related to gravity and wind resistance and lift and things like that apply to them as well, so they float harmlessly to earth. (How does her hair look like she intended it to look that way when she just went hang-gliding wearing a helmet, for God's sake?) The next clue tells the teams to travel by bus to Foz do Iguacu, which is about 900 miles away. Yep, by bus. Pansy is not happy about this she says "bus" like it's "dry scaly rash", (and for once, I have to say I understand. Nine hundred miles by bus is a long way – a friend of mine once bused it from Oberlin near Cleveland to Philadelphia, and it's no 900 miles, and she was fit to be tied when she got off the damn bus.) Everybody needs a taxi to the bus station.

So who will be eliminated? Stay tuned…


	5. Let's do the twist! Part 2

DISCLAIMER: This is based on the brilliant recaps by Miss Alli of "Television Without Pity". I do not own the website, and I am not Miss Alli.

(Everything in parenthesis is pure opinion, and is intended for humor.)

If I recall, we left the teams in Iguacu Falls.

Glider Mountain Takeoff Point. Parvati tells the Flower to run hard when she takes off. "Don't stop running," she advises. The Flower looks dubious, but she and Parvati do just fine with the takeoff. The Flower actually does a particularly nice hand flourish as she goes off the edge. Bellatrix complains some more about her inability to run. (Grrr -- be quiet, Bellatrix.) July takes off next, biceps flapping in the breeze. Rita and Fudge are next to go, and she's really, really scared. "Everything in your brain and your body is sayin', 'You're crazy, don't do this,'" she says. She's a trouper, though, and she resolves to go anyway. Fudge tells her (quite wisely) that fear is good, because it keeps you safe and alive. Nevertheless, of course, in this case he thinks she should ignore it. Hee. She straps on her helmet. Go, Rita! And they go. Good for her. No whining, no excuses, she just went.

Bellatrix tells the instructors she's not going after all. Narcissa turns around and faces the camera and...well, she doesn't really mouth a particular swear word, but she does that thing where you grit your teeth and jerk your chin, and you're obviously swearing in your head. Pretty funny, actually. I think it's safe to say that Bellatrix made a mistake coming along on this race, unless her attitude turns around in a hurry. (She just seems like she has to be talked into everything, and that's just too much to put on your teammate, and it's not going to sustain you when things suck. And things are going to sometimes suck.)

Fred and George take off. Bellatrix says she likes to think she's not afraid of things, but she's scared that if she can't run fast, they'll "nosedive down into the trees." She doesn't want to die -- or, as she drawls, "daah." (Again, I do think she fears dying, but not because of the running -- she fears it for the same reason everybody else fears it, which is that she's jumping off a mountain wearing a kite. Just do it, Bellatrix, come on!) She then learns that if she doesn't hang-glide, then Narcissa can't hang-glide, so they'll have to go do the metal detector (I'm not sure what she thought was going to happen when she quit). This is enough to push Bellatrix over the edge (literally), and she goes. (Yay, Bellatrix. Seriously. You can do more than you think, so just stop complaining and move.) She and Narcissa fly off the mountain quite uneventfully including the running, and they land just fine. What a relief. Interestingly enough, once she's in the air, I think Bellatrix kinda likes it. Narcissa is very excited for her, and she hugs her instructor. In an interview, Bellatrix says, "I'm thinking I might take hang-gliding lessons," and Narcissa leans over like the busybody she cheerfully is and says, "Bellatrix, you're not thinking that for one second." Bellatrix admits she's not. (You know, that sequence was okay near the end. I could learn to enjoy some things about this team if they would just please get ON with it and not worry so much.)

Rita and Fudge are in a cab on their way to the bus station, and things aren't going so well -- Rita is worried they'll miss the bus.

Ron and Hermione take off in their glider. Note that Ron and Hermione are, according to the editing, well behind Rita and Fudge at this point. They land on the beach and hug. "Ah felt like a biiiird," Ron says. And finally, Colin and Dennis show up, well in last place. They prepare to hang-glide. "I'll probably die," Dennis says, "but it's better than losing." (If only they could do both.) "What about screaming? Is screaming okay?" Colin asks. (So fake. Shut up.) When they get to the bottom, Colin reads the clue that says they can get to the Rio bus station by any means available. "Why don't we take the glider?" he says. (THUNK.)

In the Ron and Hermione cab, she's relieved that somebody is behind them (namely the dorks). Ron calls this "the most critical moment of the race." (Thanks, Drama Boy. And nice bandanna -- not.)

Bus Station Of Teeming Humanity. Seamus tells us that during the volleyball game, he twisted his knee.

Slytherin at the bus station. They grab the next-to-last pair of tickets on the first bus. And here, just behind them, are the Teachers, followed by Team July. There's a lot of interesting timing here. I get why the twins were first, but Malfoy and Pansy passed the Teachers, and July passed Parvati and the Flower and caught up to the Teachers. I'd also point out that July runs into the bus station rather than strolling, which turns out to be pretty important, it would seem. They run to the escalator, run up it, and get to the ticket counter ahead of McGonagall and Flitwick. In an interview, Neville tells us that getting the last tickets on the first bus was "huge. Huge, huge, huge." (You know, I could be wrong, but I think he thinks it was huge.) The Teachers run into the twins and asks about the Fast Forward, and Xerox confirms that they got it. Flitwick congratulates them.

Seamus explains that he and Dean thought the FF would give them a lead, but they actually wound up on exactly the same bus as Slytherin and July. Note that this is a direct bus, a 22-hour ride. The next direct bus leaves carrying the Teachers, George and Fred, and Parvati and the Flower. What the heck happened to Drawl? Anyway, the Groanies are next at the bus station, followed by Ron and Hermione. As the two teams make conversation, Ron says, "Hermione, I don't have the wallet." Stunned, she says, "What?" "I don't have the wallet," he repeats. "You don't have the wallet?" she repeats yet again. "No," he says simply. "Oh, God," she frets. They quickly figure out that he left it in the cab -- probably when they got out the fare. "I just should go home," he says disgustedly. "No, Ron, it's okay," Hermione says, earning herself big points in my book. After they walk off to figure out their next move, Bellatrix turns to Narcissa. "This may be our break!" she says gleefully. (You know, I get that she's relieved, but you don't have to rejoice in other people falling on crummy fortune. Ideally, I'd think you'd want to beat them in some other way, and I find it pretty unseemly that they're quite this happy about the really sad scene they just witnessed. Furthermore, in a reference that, based on the previews, it's going to take me another week to complete, I'm just going to call this moment What Goes Around.)

The Groanies get an interpreter, who helps them get tickets on a bus to Sao Paolo, and then they'll change for Iguacu. So this is a non-direct bus -- got it? Okay. Colin and Dennis arrive. Even they, you will notice, are ahead of Drawl. They consider both the 11:00 with the change in Sao Paolo and the 2:30 direct to Iguacu, and eventually they too go for the Sao Paolo bus at 11:00. The two teams are, however, actually on two different buses leaving at the same time. Colin's camo hat really has to go. Really, really, really. Has to go _now_.

Ron, swallowing his pride, asks a stranger to write a sign for him that explains that he's a pathetic American who needs money for a ticket, so that he can take it around and beg. (Ow. That doesn't sound like fun, but it's reasonably resourceful, and I give them all due credit for not giving up, given their bad circumstances. He's also got his cowboy hat on again, so I'd give him five bucks just for that.) But when next we see him, he's changed hats (dang), and he's explaining to a woman that Hermione is his girlfriend, and they're stuck. As they go from person to person, they collect little bits of money. "In five minutes, we had, like, twenty dollars," Ron explains. Sheesh. Ron tells Hermione that they shouldn't tell the other teams they made money begging, because other people will start doing it. (I don't know if I think that's true or not. All kidding aside, it would take a lot for me to just ask strangers for money, particularly in a non-emergency situation. But I suppose desperation does things to people.)

Here, at long last, is Team Drawl at the bus station. They explain that their cab driver was just the worst ever, and they drove all over the place, which is how they fell from fifth to last -- ouch! They go inside and run into Ron and Hermione. The four of them wind up on the 2:30 direct bus to Foz do Iguacu.

Lead bus. Xerox, Slytherin, July. And then suddenly, doonk-doonk-doonk...uh-oh. The bus pulls over. Turns out one of the inside tires blew out. That is not good news. Harry: "We had, like, a half-hour lead on the Preachers shot of the Teachers, and, like, Cha-Cha-Cha shot of Fred and George." (Cha-Cha-Cha? Hope you don't mind if I use your idea, Harry.) Xerox explains that they really didn't think anything else could go wrong. But it did, of course. Everyone looks at the bus, depressed.

Amazing Flat-Tire Bus. The teams anxiously try to flag down passing buses as they wait for their tire to be fixed. Harry (a red bandanna tied around his head, bleh) watches the driver suspiciously, saying that he'll step right in if the guy isn't doing it right. He says, "I know how to do this stuff." (What, change bus tires? Man, I need background info. They give me none, of course.) July jumps right into the tire-changing, probably annoying the hell out of the bus driver. It actually looks like July and Xerox work together on changing the tire (while Malfoy looks on, pretending to be amused and bored -- it's like the way there's always one guy at a wedding who can't master the Electric Slide, so he stands at the edge of the dance floor yelling at his friends about how dumb they look), and sure enough, it's fixed pretty quick.

Meanwhile, in Sao Paolo, Colin and Dennis and Bellatrix and Narcissa de-bus and look for their connection so they can re-bus. Colin and Dennis make the 6:00 connection, but Bellatrix and Narcissa are stuck waiting for the 8:00 due to an apparent seat shortage. Colin and Dennis's bus, however, quickly runs into trouble. Yay! Best mechanical difficulties ever! Colin regales us with the non-hilarious story of a woman, her cell phone, and how he wanted a new bus rather than a mechanic to fix the current bus. It's quite a barn-burner. At least, he thinks so. Eventually, they nag seats on a passing bus and get on their way as well. In order to do this, Colin tells us that he had to "sell his first child." (Market price for Spawn of Gary? Three dollars. Demand -- Supply's Stealthy Counterpart.)

The Bus Formerly Known As The Lead Bus. Neville and Pansy are sharing a warm flirty chuckle over a map. (A little voice inside my head goes "chicka," but I cut it off before it goes any further.) Meanwhile, Malfoy talks to a big dirty man, who is probably teaching him how to say "cuckold" in Portuguese. When the bus reaches its destination, the teams get into these...well, I don't know quite what to call them. They're like SUVs Lite. Not a golf cart, not yet a Land Rover. They have to drive the little Weeniemobile into the woods to a route marker at the Macuco Safari Dock at Iguacu Falls. Except Xerox, of course, because of the FF -- Dean and Seamus hop in and head right for the jungle camp.

And what do we have here? July and Slytherin have now formed The Fake Hogwarts Alliance. Neville explains that "you have to have another strong team with you" to make it to the end of the race. Pansy wants to wait for July (chicka), but Malfoy wants to get going and ditch them. Ditching wins out, to Neville's dismay. "Pansy's yelling, 'Wait, wait!'" he notes heatedly (bamp), "but he just hauls ass! Screw him, man." Ooooh, Neville is pissed.

In The Weeniemobile Of Reaping What You Sow, Malfoy is suddenly discovering that he can't get it out of low gear. No, literally -- he can't get the car to move. Before you know it, they meet up with July. "We're stuck in low gear," Malfoy says, all friendly. "Do you know how to get it out of low gear real quick?" Pansy scolds him: "Now you want their help. When you wanted to pass them before." She goes on, "You're a horrible, evil man." "Shut up," he commands. For whatever reason (it escapes me entirely, although I guess it has something to do with Pansy's charms), July agrees to stay with Slytherin. Neville loudly adds, "Even though you left us." Hmm. So Gryfindor makes an alliance with Grouchy Separated People, even though Grouchy Separated Man is clearly planning to bail out whenever he thinks it benefits him. Gryfindor decides to go the honor-and-loyalty route long after there's any chance of their attitude being returned, and before you know it, there's The Vibe Of Big Love going between one of the Gryfindors and Grouchy Separated Wife.

Colin and Dennis arrive at the bus station at Iguacu ten minutes before the Teachers, Parvati and the Flower, and Cha-Cha-Cha. (How did that happen? The other people had a direct bus! And Colin and Dennis's connecting bus broke down! Huh? I need more explanation. The reversals in this episode are baffling. You remember the thing from math class where multiplying by a negative number will make a positive change to a negative and a negative change to a positive? This bus ride is like that. Very confusing.)

Slytherin and July approach the McFlag. "I find it very hard to believe there's anybody ahead of us and Pansy and Malfoy," Neville says anxiously. When they get out of the jeeps, Pansy wants to wait for July (chicka-chicka), but Malfoy wants to get going. They get going. They run to the next flag. Roadblock. In this particular Roadblock, the chosen team member has to get in a little speedboat and go to the falls to spot a flag, and then they have to climb up to the flag to get the next clue. The Roadblock tells the teams to pick the team member with "keen eyes and a good sense of direction." Pansy immediately points to herself. Neville takes the Detour on behalf of July. "We start just hawlin' up the riv-ah," Neville explains steamily. They fly over the rapids in their little boats to the falls. Pansy has trouble spotting the flag. Neville sees it. "There's the flag!" he yells. "Stay alive! Whatever occurs! I _will_ find you!" (Okay, he doesn't say that last part.) But he does show her where the flag is. The two of them get off the boats and head up the trail to the flag.

In an interview, Neville says, "There's, like, a good chemistry that goes on with Pansy and I. She's really cool, and we have a great time together." (Bamp-bamp.) They reach the clue at the top and raise their arms in triumph. Together, they view a rainbow. Swelling violins. (Why do I have a feeling Harry is somewhere projecting the rainbow with a flashlight and a bunch of mirrors and going, "Duuuuude"? Never leave your wing man.) At any rate, now they have to drive and then hike until they get to the jungle camp. As Dumbledore explains, the last team to check in here -- dramatic pause -- will be eliminated.

Xerox finds the camp and gets out of their Weeniemobile. They take yet another little spill on the hike. Sheesh. As one of them voices over about lack of nourishment and lack of sleep, they finally reach the mat. The greeter welcomes them to Iguacu, and Dumbledore tells them they're in first place. "Have a little trouble?" Dumbledore asks. "A lot of trouble," they lament. Indeed. One of them insists in an interview, though, that it's going to take more than injuries for them to be beaten down.

Bellatrix and Narcissa get into the Weeniemobile, just as July and Slytherin run up to the mat. July edges Slytherin on the run, and so they land in second place. Slytherin is team number three. Malfoy says that "you're going to slowly see these other teams deteriorate." Whatever. (Furthermore, Malfoy, if I ever have to actually see all of the purple and white flowered shirt you're wearing in that interview, of which I can now see only the collar, you will officially become The Worst-Dressed Contestant In The History Of This Show.)

If you believe the editing, the Roadblock is being done by Dennis, just ahead of Parvati, Flitwick, and Fred. Bellatrix and Narcissa open the Roadblock clue and Narcissa takes it. "I have a great sense of direction," she says. Cut immediately to Narcissa in the boat, looking around helplessly, saying, "I don't see it." (And based on that cut, I rest my case for how much I love the skillful, perfectly paced, witty, high quality of the editing on this show.)

Anyway, Narcissa is looking for the flag, and she does find it eventually. She hits the sand with a THUNK when jumping off the boat, and then she has a hard time with the climb up to the flag. "I'm only a quarter of the way," she laments with a grin, "and I'm shot." She gets there anyway, and gets back down and into her boat. She informs Bellatrix they're last, and tells her that she knows it for sure. (Enough with the pessimism. It's not endearing.)

Parvati and the Flower (are they even on this show anymore?) run up to the finish, and they're fourth. Colin and Dennis who were NINTH starting this leg pass the Teachers who were SECOND starting this leg on the run up to the mat, and they finish fifth. Arrrrgh. The Teachers slide into sixth. Cha-Cha-Cha shows up to nab seventh.

Bellatrix and Narcissa drive up. "We are last, Bellatrix," Narcissa says dispiritedly. "Yeah, we are last," Narcissa agrees. (God, SHUT UP.) As they do the hike, Narcissa talks about how the falls were all worth it, she has no regrets, blah blah blah defeatismcakes. She does call Dumbledore "Doctor Doom," though, which is pretty funny. The other teams also aren't helping any, because they've all gathered and they're staring somberly as Bellatrix and Narcissa approach, because this is going to be so hilarious. Yawn. Phil tells them they're eighth. And in an exact replica of the end of last week's episode, they are shocked. Surprised. Amazed. Thrilled. Hugs and cheers all around. (Okay, Bellatrix and Narcissa. It was cute the first time. But you're doing it again. Please don't do that every week, because it is now officially OLD.)

And the big laggers are Hermione and Ron and Fudge and Rita on that 2:30 bus out of Rio. It's sad, because these two teams were buds a little bit on the first leg, and now they basically know one of them is out. Ron and Hermione find a guy with a guidebook on the bus, and they copy a map out of it surreptitiously, feeling guilty but not regretful -- and I don't think they should feel bad at all. It's a race. You're in last. It's you or them, and this is what you do. Anyway, they copy a map that presumably takes them from the landing spot to the falls.

Ron and Hermione and Rita and Fudge get to the Weeniemobiles and hop in. Hermione takes off, and soon realizes she's winging her way the wrong way down a one-way street. Okay, so it wasn't a _great_ map. Fudge and Rita need directions, and she hops out and starts asking whether anyone speaks English. She's doing all right until she goes into what looks like a gas station and says, "Map? Map-o?" (Yeah, map-o. Not exactly an expert job of speaking to the locals, there, Fudge. You know, learning to say "map," "road," "help," and about ten other words in a few different languages before you leave might be a good idea, I'm thinking. Also, you wouldn't find yourself on national television saying "map-o." Maybe she meant Mappo, the lost Marx Brother. Heh. Wait a minute, I sound like Colin. YEEK!) Anyway, she finally finds a lady who gives her directions and wishes her luck, and then she and Fudge are on their way. But they've fallen behind Ron and Hermione, just a little bit. "They're going to be right behind us, Hermione," Ron says.

Roadblock. Hermione takes it and zooms off in the boat. Fudge takes it and zooms off as well. Hermione, standing up in the boat. "Jeez, where is it?" she wonders. Fudge, speeding along, pumping his fist. "Man, that's awesome," he says, looking at the falls. Hermione sees the flag. Fudge sees it too. Ron and Rita wait anxiously and awkwardly, knowing it's one or the other of them. "I knew Fudge was on his way," Ron voices over ominously. "Here comes a boat," Rita suddenly says to him, and they peer out across the water together. "It's Hermy," Rita and Ron say at the same time. Ron gives Hermione a thumbs-up, but you can tell he's trying not to be too showy about it. Hermione de-boats, and they're off, with Ron throwing a lame, I-don't-know-what-to-say sort of "see ya" to Rita as he goes. Fudge comes toward Rita in his boat.

But Ron and Hermione are already running up to Dumbledore. "Ron and Hermione," Dumbledore says, "you're team number nine." "We'll make up for it tomorrow," Hermione says cheerily.

Fudge and Rita walk up the path. "I feel good," he says to her. "I don't know what we could have done different, hon," she says. They step on the mat, and Dumbledore tells them they're booted from the race. "It's been a good one," Fudge says, with what looks like a fairly sincere smile. In a post-boot interview, he says that his key point was to "enjoy some of these fabulous places, and to experience it with my best friend, which is my wife." She tells us that earlier on, he told her he'd found his girlfriend again. She says she feels the same. "He's my choice, I choose him, no matter what."

The End…of this episode.

Next time: Bellatrix and Narcissa oversleep, and Ron decides not to wake them up. The Fake Hogwarts Alliance cracks. Somebody tells Parvati and Lavender that if they go somewhere, someone will kill them. Doesn't that sound like fun?


	6. Coming around, Part 1

DISCLAIMER: This is based on the brilliant recaps by Miss Alli of "Television Without Pity". I do not own the website, and I am not Miss Alli.

(Everything in parenthesis is pure opinion, and is intended for humor.)

(Previously, on The Amazing Race: Teams left the Rio yacht and did a little ass-wiggling with the feather dancers on their way to Iguacu Falls. Not everyone really felt like hang gliding, what with the significant potential for plunging to your death and the bugs in your teeth and the clinging desperately to your sweaty instructor and everything, but in the end, everybody did it. Even Narcissa. Colin did an Official Nerd-o-rific Face-Plant in the sand while attempting to play volleyball, and it's honestly hard to say whether that's more heartbreaking if he did it on purpose or if he didn't. Dean and Seamus burned their Fast Forward, largely to give a rest to their injured extremities, and then they went straight to the "jungle camp" pit stop. A very, very, very long bus ride full of flat tires, mechanical difficulties, and map-copying intrigue served to shuffle the deck to the point where Rita and Fudge, recently in the middle of the pack but now aced out by the impoverished but undeterred Ron and Hermione, were eliminated. A half-assed alliance began to form between Team July and Slytherin, but Malfoy seemed about as interested in maintaining it as he is in shirts without nauseating flowery patterns on them. Bellatrix and Narcissa avoided being eliminated, although they certainly didn't avoid talking about being eliminated until their lips turned blue and fell off. Now with nine teams left, Dumbledore wonders who will be eliminated tonight.)

We open this week with stunning establishing shots of Iguacu Falls. Phil explains that Iguacu Falls is three times the width of Niagara, although I'm sure Iguacu would ask him to clarify that. Over film of Bellatrix and Narcissa not being eliminated much to their most tiresome surprise, Dumbledore explains that everyone is resting here at the pit stop. Malfoy taking a shower. Neville taking a shower. There's also a great shot of Pansy and Neville talking, with Colin to the side. (It gives me a total _Breakfast Club_ library vibe, like they're about to ask Colin why he needs a fake ID, and he's going to say it's so he can vote.)

10:34 PM. Good evening, Team Xerox. The clue tells them to take a trail from the camp to a waiting cab that will in turn take them to the airport, where they're to fly to Cape Town, South Africa via Sao Paolo. Once in Cape Town, they will need to find the cell where Nelson Mandela was held. Off goes Xerox.

As Team Xerox makes its way out of camp, I think I'm going to be able to tell them apart by the time the race is over -- Dean's face is slightly thinner, and his forehead is a little wider than his chin, where Seamus's face is more evenly oval-shaped. I'm probably fooling myself.

10:47 PM. Team July. Harry is in a black visor. In a word? _Majestic_. (Just kidding.) He explains that Pansy and Malfoy are the biggest competition July has at this point, and that he and Neville are "really good on the road," so teaming up makes all kinds of sense. (Wait a minute, why was that again? Oh, I know. Because keeping Slytherin close provides a good view of Pansy's ass. Whatever. July is coming dangerously close to busting my eye-roll quotient for the season, and we've barely begun.)

Also at 10:47, Slytherin. (Malfoy honestly could not look more like a tool if he had a drill bit coming out of the top of his head.) He's wearing a pink embroidered peasant-chic shirt, khaki shorts, and a white bucket hat with a yellow stripe around it. (Frankly, _nothing_ in this outfit is able to peacefully coexist with _anything_ else in this outfit.) Harry voices over about "keeping your enemies close," and says that "at the end," the alliance will have to come to a halt. (Ah, perhaps even sooner than that, Neckless Boy.)

As Slytherin gets in a cab, Malfoy says "rápido" to the driver. (Yes, again. I know -- it's a wonder they're still alive.)

Xerox makes it to the airport first. The ticket agent breaks the news that they're not getting anywhere until tomorrow morning. (Welcome to The Really Big Brazilian Bunching -- have a cocktail and feel free to enjoy the floor show, because we're going to be here for a while.)

12:14 AM. Parvati and the Flower read the clue. The Flower's hair has now gone entirely anti-gravity, and is poofed up in the general direction of the North Star. They're also both wearing their sunglasses on the tops of their heads, despite the fact that it's not going to be light outside for about six hours. As they run toward the cab, the Flower voices over that "the fear of the unknown definitely frightens her" (well, Flower, fear frightens us all), but she's going to "hang by Parvati's coattails" and hope for the best. Parvati says "rápido" to her driver, too.

12:17 AM. Colin and Dennis. Colin explains in an interview that he and Dennis are not brilliant. (I take out a pen and check this off my list of Things I Already Knew, But Thanks Anyway.) He says they'll have to use their "very small skills to climb this very tall mountain." THUNK.

12:22 AM. The Teachers. Flitwick explains that he and McGonagall are both winners, because they'd never sacrifice their integrity for a million dollars, and so they're going to be themselves, bleh. (Wake me up when they stop talking.)

1:14 AM. Cha-Cha-Cha on the mat. Fred notes that the experience thus far has "humbled him," because the competition is so tough. As they walk up the path, Fred wonders aloud what their strategy should be, and George says their strategy will be to get there before anybody else. (Heh. Now see, these guys are much funnier than Colin and Dennis. And that makes them all the more fun to watch.)

2:40 AM is the Groanies' departure time, and it's coming and going without their being on the mat. Interestingly enough, as the camera zooms in on their tent, you can faintly hear an alarm clock going off. (Of course, it makes no sense that they would have set their alarm for their departure time, so either the cameramen are screwing with us and it's not really 2:40, or it's not really their alarm clock going off.) In an interview, the Groanies said that they shared their tent with Ron and Hermione, and they all but accused Ron of turning off their alarm so they'd miss their departure time. (I don't care for that at all, because they don't seem to have any proof, given that they were asleep the whole time.) All we see is Ron, outside their tent looking in, and then walking away from the front of the tent as he voices over that they weren't awake, and he saw that they weren't, and he went back to sleep.

(I'll give you my guess if they really did share a tent: the alarm went off, and Ron woke up, but the Groanies didn't. He exited the tent to pee or something, and when he got back, he was surprised to see that they were still asleep, so he didn't even unzip the tent and go back in, because he not only didn't want to intentionally wake them up, he didn't want to accidentally wake them up either, so he just walked away from the tent and went and snoozed in the grass or something. It's just a guess. I usually find out later that I'm wrong about these things, but that's what I'm thinking.

Oh, and one more thing. Remember what happened last week, when Bellatrix engaged in a little unseemly glee about Ron losing the wallet? Remember how we called it "What Goes Around"? Well here it is, Coming Around. Don't let it whap you in the ass on its way by.)

Around 3:00 AM, Narcissa wakes up and mutters, "The alarm didn't go off." (I would point out that I have been known to sleep through my alarm and turn my alarm off without actually waking up on many occasions, so I think Narcissa is jumping to conclusions in saying that it didn't go off. Furthermore, as I said, I think we may have even heard it go off.) They hustle out of bed and get ready to go. Ron interviews that he doesn't feel guilty about not waking them up because, after all, _it's a race_. He has a point. (Look, nobody is obligated to wake anybody else up, any more than anybody is obligated to, say, loan anybody else money for the bus when they lose their wallet. Nothing to be ashamed of, Ron—especially when you're in last place.) Bellatrix and Narcissa end up on the mat at 3:17 AM, almost 40 minutes after their scheduled departure time. As they walk along the path, they complain that Ron and Hermione are probably happy that they overslept. (What a couple of sour lemons the Groanies are this morning.)

3:35 AM. Ron and Hermione. (Now how do I describe what Ron is wearing? Perhaps "freakishly overgrown prep schoolboy" is the look he's going for.) Beige button-down shirt. Multicolored wacky tie. Blue blazer. Shorts. Olive green baseball hat that says "Team Mycoskie." Their last name. No, really, that's what he's wearing. (I cannot imagine what possessed him to bring a blazer on this trip, but I sincerely hope he didn't substitute it for...well, anything else he could have brought with him, because almost anything else he could have brought would have been more useful, including an equivalent amount of empty space, which would at least not weigh anything. Seriously, it may not make a big difference, but his having that ridiculously inappropriate attire with him suggests to me a lack of seriousness and strategic thinking.)

Anyway, they open the clue, and Hermione says in an interview that she was thrilled, because she's "always wanted to go to South Africa." (Too bad Ron's goofy tie is distracting me this entire time.)

At the airport, all the teams are waiting for flights to Sao Paolo. Colin informs Ron and Hermione that they can't fly till morning, and that no one has left yet. (I'd beg Gary to stop wearing that silly camouflage hat, but then I'd have to worry about his hair.)

The next morning comes, and Dumbledore tells us that all nine teams have made it onto two flights out to Sao Paolo, leaving at 6:50 AM and 7:00 AM. (Because of this particular piece of bunching, you'll notice that Bellatrix and Narcissa's oversleeping has nothing to do with anything that happens from here out. From the perspective of evaluating their play and their prospects for the future if they had continued, oversleeping was a giant screw-up, and it probably got their day off to a terrible, stressful start, but it was entirely without consequence in an actual cause-and-effect analysis in terms of lost time.)

At 7:50 AM, everyone except July and Slytherin arrives in Sao Paolo to start the endless Airport Shuffle for Cape Town. Shortly thereafter, the July/Slytherin alliance touches down. Flitwick explains that it was a "mad dash" all over the place looking for flights. Inside the airport, Parvati and the Flower are told that there's no room on some airline's flight to Cape Town, not even the next day. Elsewhere, Narcissa is told that a Swiss air flight is "foolly-foolly booked." Ron and Hermione bang on the door of a closed South African Airlines office. No one emerges to help them, but in the meantime, a brief cooperative spirit emerges between Xerox and the Teachers, who agree to split their efforts at checking for space.

Xerox, the Teachers, and the Groanies all eventually converge on the ticket counter at American Airlines. Ron and Hermione are going there too, to try for a connection between Johannesburg and Cape Town. Seeing Ron and Hermione coming, the Groanies intentionally spread out to block the counter. When they get there, Bellatrix says to them _very_ snottily that the Teachers/Xerox have been here an hour, and when they're done, the Groanies will be occupying the staff for an hour after that, so Ron and Hermione can just wait and "be in laaaahne." (It occurs to me that unless Ron and Hermione have done a _lot_ of things we haven't seen, this attitude is entirely uncalled for.) Anyway, when Ron and Hermione see a staff person there who isn't doing anything, they go up and ask her to help them. Bellatrix sees this and mutters to Xerox, "They're just going ahead of us." Now McGonagall gets into the act, leaning forward on the counter, peeking down to the end, and saying to Ron and Hermione, "Hey, you guys want to hold up? Hey, group down there?" She's irked also.

(Okay, I see absolutely nothing wrong with what Ron and Hermione did here, for several reasons. First, I don't think politeness needs to extend so far that it prevents you from approaching an available airline employee if the other teams aren't choosing to approach her. Second, if Bellatrix thinks they're butting in line, she needs to take it up with the ticket agent. She can go over to the lady who Ron and Hermione are talking to and say, "We were here first, Madame Customer Non-Service, and we are entitled to be served before the Xerox over there, so get your little fingers typing away at that keyboard and get me on a damn flight before I pelt you with a rapid-fire helping of iron-fortified calcium-enriched One-A-Day Vitamins." More generally, it's a damn race, and everyone in it is an adult. Hand-holding is right out, and the whiners need to suck it up.

I also have to say that I was shocked to hear these teams talking about standing at the same ticket counter for hours. I think if you trace the course of this episode, you'll see that this is a mistake -- you don't camp out at one counter and hope for the best. If you're not going to get any help for an hour and a half which is how long Bellatrix says they waited before Ron and Hermione "cut in line" or whatever, you go somewhere else and look, it would seem to me.

It's more fun to complain, though, I guess.) In an interview, Narcissa says that Ron and Hermione are "playing the game, but it's sort of ticking off some of the other contestants." (Apparently the teams have all become responsible for protecting each other's place in line now. How adorably antithetical to the entire point of this show.)

Anyway, apropos of nothing, back at the counter, Narcissa says she wishes she weren't so short. Narcissa tells her she's "a pretty feisty short lady." Ooookay. Ron and Hermione, meanwhile, look like they got some kind of ticket from American, but he says in an interview that they didn't, so it's hard to tell. Xerox seems to be gone, and the Teachers have gotten a shot at a flight. They dash off.

At 5:45 PM (note that it took all day), Dean and Seamus take off for Cape Town via London. Their tickets are confirmed all the way through to the end of the route. McGonagall and Flitwick are taking the same flight to London, but their London-to-Capetown leg isn't confirmed yet -- they're on standby. Following along so far?

Parvati and the Flower are having a heck of a time. Parvati voices over that they thought the beach was bad, and then they thought the bus was bad, and now they think the airport is the worst yet. The Flower pushes the luggage cart down the corridor with Parvati riding on the front -- aww. Then, in what I think is actually a great shot, we see Parvati facing a wall with her hands against it, standing very still, leaning on her forehead. (I know that _exact_ moment. That's the "I can't get anything to work, but if I freak out, it's going to get worse, so I have to just stand here and take five deep breaths before I lose my temper or burst into tears" moment, and she is doing just the right thing.) In the foreground of the same shot, the Flower says Parvati is "losin' it," but what she's actually doing is hanging on to it. They get a flight, and somewhat surprisingly, when the flight finally goes through, Parvati is sitting on the floor with her chin in her hand, and it's the Flower who's all over the ticket agent guy. Go, Flower! Once the tickets are secured, the Flower suggests that while they're waiting, she can get her nails done and Mary can get a beer so they'll both feel better. Hee. Their route takes them through both Milan and London, and they leave at 9:40 PM.

Colin and Dennis tell us the airport is "completely dysfunctional." They have spent, as Dennis explains, about six hours running from counter to counter and getting turned down. (I'd point out that as much of a pain as that was, it's going to work out better for them than it did for people who sat at American for hours.) They finally get a flight at 9:45 PM, connecting through Lisbon and London. Approximately the same quality of flight plan as Parvati and the Flower, I'd say, and almost exactly the same departure time.

George and Fred find a ticket agent at Varig (the only other airline that's really identifiable in all this mess) who wants to give them an extra hand because they're the only team that was polite and calm in asking for help. They leave at 11:00 PM, with only one stopover in London.

Bellatrix and Narcissa, after doing a lot of "traipsing," leave at 11:10, and here's their flight plan: Sao Paolo to New York. New York to London. London to Johannesburg. Johannesburg to Cape Town. (Ugh. I cannot believe they couldn't find a single European city where they could connect to London. Given the fact that several other teams got to London directly and two others took two different connecting routes there Milan and Lisbon, I cannot believe they couldn't have done anything except go through New York.) You can tell that the Groanies' route isn't a good one, because the Amazing Yellow Line tracing their journey doesn't even make it any farther than New York before the Amazing World Map disappears. Everyone else's line at least gets to London before they cut away.

July and Slytherin are having a very bad time with flights. They seem to be using the phone to call around instead of going counter-to-counter. The two teams are arguing, they're not getting anywhere, and they're blaming each other. Malfoy abruptly bails on the alliance, and he and Pansy bolt. Harry is frustrated that it's taking so long to get things straightened out, but just like it does in what I suspect are all of Harry's favorite movies, help comes in the form of "two really hot girls," as he puts it, who help them with their flight at last. This is Varig again, the same airline that helped Cha-Cha-Cha, and one of the girls is the one they showed giving Cha the good flight for being sweet and polite. As they leave, Harry tells one of them he's in love with her. She grimaces in an attempt to smile politely. (Sorry, Harry. There's a little more to it than that.) They leave at 11:25 PM, with a connection in Frankfurt.

Slytherin does some more begging, also at Varig, and they wind up on an 11:40 PM flight to London, along with Ron and Hermione. Slytherin is confirmed to Cape Town, but Ron and Hermione are not -- they're on standby on the connecting flight. Interestingly enough, _if_ this is shown in order, July charmed those "really hot girls" so much that the girls didn't actually give them the best possible flight, because the guy at the same airline did significantly better for Slytherin a little bit later. Working The Airport: A Mysterious Art Indeed.

From Heathrow to Cape Town, Slytherin winds up on the same flight as Fred and George and Colin and Dennis. This makes a certain amount of sense given the above descriptions of flight patterns, as well as the fact that Cha-Cha-Cha and Slytherin used the same airline presumably Colin and Dennis used Varig also, even though you couldn't see the signs. One thing is rather mystifying, though: the fate of Xerox. For some reason, Xerox had the earlier Sao Paolo-London flight (by almost five hours), but got hosed with a significantly later London-Cape Town flight. It's hard to explain -- it looks like it was a different airline (they seemed to be arranging through American, as did the Teachers and the Groanies) -- but it's strange, all right. Furthermore, note that Parvati and the Flower's connecting pattern through Milan seems to have taken a crucial bit longer than Colin and Dennis's through Lisbon -- it looks from the progress of the Amazing Yellow Line like Parvati and the Flower went to Milan first, and then north to London, and then back down to Cape Town, so there's a little bit of doubling back involved. Colin and Dennis went up as far as Lisbon, then farther up to London, then down to Cape Town. It works out logically, I think.

Ron and Hermione do not get seats on the London-Cape Town flight that Slytherin and company are on, which looks like it happens in part because the connections are so close that there isn't time to wiggle your way in as a standby person -- you have to have your boarding pass and such ahead of time in order to make the flight, which requires having a reservation all the way through. When Ron says they have standby, The Angry Clipped British Airport Voice says, "Well, you're not on then, are you?" Hey! Chill out, sir, the kid's just asking.

JFK. Bellatrix and Narcissa are very, very, very slowly making their way to Cape Town. So far, they're pretty much going in the opposite direction from where they need to go. (Again, I would stress that they went all the way to New York just to get to London, which practically every other team -- all of whom got to the airport in Sao Paolo at the same time they did -- managed to do without doing anything remotely this goofy.)

Ron and Hermione are at Heathrow, hearing that South African Air only has standby available. Xerox and the Teachers are waiting for their London-Cape Town flight. In the end, Xerox gets on with their confirmed tickets, but McGonagall and Flitwick don't make it on standby, and they're back to square one. (Well, I guess square two. Bellatrix and Narcissa are at square one. Or possibly even square negative-one.)

In Frankfurt, Harry and Neville have the opportunity to get a flight to Johannesburg with a connection to Cape Town, which would actually get them to Cape Town a little sooner, but in order to avoid the risk of having the connection go awry, they hang in and wait for the direct flight to Cape Town instead. Probably the right move. Every connection is another opportunity for things to go off the rails, as Bellatrix and Narcissa are learning, so it's better to be safe than sorry at this point.

Is this the end of the Groanies? Keep waiting…


	7. Coming around, Part 2

DISCLAIMER: This is based on the brilliant recaps by Miss Alli of "Television Without Pity". I do not own the website, and I am not Miss Alli.

(Everything in parenthesis is pure opinion, and is intended for humor.)

We last left the teams as they were heading to South Africa.

At 7:00 AM, the Cha-Cha-Cha/Malfoy-and-Pansy/THUNK flight a Virgin Atlantic plane, actually touches down in Cape Town. The first task for all of the teams is to get a ferry to Robben Island, where they'll visit the cell where Mandela was held and retrieve the clue. (Now, I agree that it's important to show respect, but I don't think it's in particularly poor taste for them to take the teams there -- certainly no more so than the temples and other sacred places they went to last year. If you're going to see anything worthwhile, you're going to see things that demand respect, so I'm not so troubled.)

Anyway, it's morning, and ChaMaPaTHUNK are in their cabs on their way to the ferry. Malfoy orders the driver to pull out any shortcuts in his "bag of tricks." (Please shut up, Malfoy.) Pansy explains in an interview that she and Malfoy are getting along fairly well, which may be because they don't have time to fight. Incidentally, Malfoy is now wearing a different very ugly shirt, this one with tiny little checks on it. Malfoy's wardrobe makes my nose twitch.

It looks like Colin and Dennis are the first to arrive at the ferry, and they run for it, trying to make the 8:00 AM. It appears, as Dennis says, that they miss it by about five seconds or so. Ouch. Ultimately, ChaMaPaTHUNK all wind up on the same 9:00 AM ferry. Malfoy asks the ferry guy whether he's going to get them there fast. (Shut up some more, Malfoy.)

At 9:00 AM, Dean and Seamus's flight lands in Cape Town. Dean explains that he loved being in Africa, that it was a wonderful feeling, and that he is the one with the earring, dammit. (Okay, I added that last part.) They're aiming for the 10:00 ferry, which presumably will mean the same tight timing that ChaMaPaTHUNK experienced with the 7:00 landing and the 8:00 ferry.

Speaking of whom, here are ChaMaPaTHUNK on the boat. When they land at the island, Pansy walks with Fred and Malfoy walks with George. They chat about how interesting the history of the site is. In case you're wondering what the cell looks like when they get there...it's small. Very small. Like, apartment-bathroom small. Think about how old you are. Subtract 18 from your age. Now think about having been in a cell this size since you were that age. Pretty freaky, huh?

Much as I regret the fact that the show doesn't have more time for a thorough discussion of the history, they give you enough for a taste. The shot of the cell and the words "eighteen years" are really enough to knock you back, if you're paying attention.

At 9:45 AM, Parvati and the Flower's plane lands they were on South African Air. Parvati _very_ adeptly and correctly states that they're perfectly happy in the middle of the pack, because at this point in the race, as long as you're not last, you're fine. (Exactly. This is one of my main race philosophies. Bunching being what it is, it's just not worth a lot of time and energy and money to go for first. Stay out of last place -- that's the name of the game.)

Slytherin is first to get the cell clue. It tells them to get a return ferry to Kalk Bay Harbor and look for the McFlag.

Hey, guess what? Dean and Seamus miss the 10:00 ferry by about three steps. (I guess now you know how long it takes to land in Cape Town, get out of the airport, and make a ferry to Robben Island -- about an hour and one minute.)

On the ferry, Pansy and Cha-Cha-Cha discuss how to get to Kalk Harbor once they hit land. They've discovered you can take a train or a taxi. Pansy also points out that they're pretty well bunched at this point, so they should help each other out to maximize the space between their bunch and the rest of the teams. Cha-Cha-Cha agrees. At 10:13, they get off the ferry and choose taxis.

10:30 AM, Cape Town airport. Ron and Hermione land. Air Travel Fun Fact: Ron and Hermione and McGonagall and Flitwick all flew to London without reservations from London to Cape Town -- with the Teachers arriving in London about six hours earlier. Nevertheless, here are Ron and Hermione with no McGonagall and Flitwick in sight yet. Presumably, Ron and Hermione had an advantage in that they found out a little sooner that they weren't to get on standby since the ChaMaPaTHUNK flight left earlier than the Xerox flight, so that probably helped them out. But McGonagall and Flitwick just don't seem to be doing all that well at the airport, and it looks like the teams that parked at the American Airlines counter and worked from there Xerox, the Teachers, and the Groanies really didn't fare well.

Parvati and the Flower, at 10:52 AM, need ferry tickets. Parvati tells the people in line, very simply, that she's in a race, she's trying to get ahead, and she'd like to cut in line. They let her. (Again, because she was honest about it didn't claim a medical emergency or anything like that, I have no problem with this.) No one seems to mind. They wind up on the same ferry as Xerox, and the teams share some friendly high-fives.

In the cell at Robben Island, the Flower is the one who actually locates the clue. Go, Flower! Go, Flower! Go, Flower! Furthermore, when Xerox shows up, she shows them right where it is. Meanwhile, Seamus talks about how hard it was to just bolt in and bolt out of such an important, moving place. (I can't argue with that. It would certainly be nice for them to have had some time to look around -- of course, I think that about almost every place they visit.)

Heathrow. Bellatrix and Narcissa have arrived from JFK, and they have a very tight connection to Johannesburg. Narcissa wants to run for the plane. Bellatrix says foggily that they have to go through customs. Narcissa at least would like to make a run for it and find out. Bellatrix strolls. (Never has anyone looked less like she is in a race.) At any rate, they get to the gate and are there before the plane leaves -- but they haven't been through security. (Can't do it, ladies, not even with cameras following you everywhere.) "You've missed it," the clipped gate attendant clips at them. This is certainly the day of having bad news at the airport delivered with a distinct British accent.

Narcissa, doing all the work as always, determines that they can go over to another British Airways terminal and continue trying to get to Cape Town.

Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione make the ferry. (Just as a side note, they look like they're still wearing the clothes from the pit stop, unlike most of the other teams, who have now changed clothes -- in most cases, they've changed twice already. I think this is actually the _third_ day of this leg, because the Sao Paolo-London flight was overnight, and it appears that the London-Cape Town flight was, too. So...yuck, Ron and Hermione.) In other news, it looks like they pass the Xerox/Parvati-and-Flower boat going the other direction while they're on the way to the island.

Speaking of which, Parvati and the Flower de-boat and go for a taxi. Xerox allows a local guy to talk them into taking the train to Kalk Bay Harbor. (Nooooooo! Not the train! Sigh. They're making a mistake.)

ChaMaPaTHUNK pulls up in their Group Cab to the harbor, where a bunch of dancers are doing a joyful boogie on the sidewalk for change. Someone remarks that it's the Village People, which, aside from the hardhats, it isn't really at all. Dumbledore: "A detour is a choice between two tasks, each with its own pros and cons." This week's Detour is "Dance or Deliver." Their choices are to dance with the troupe and then pass the hat and ask for money they need to earn about $2.50 in tips, or to move 275 pounds of fish from a boat to a couple of big scales. (Damn -- I'm a terrible dancer, but I still know what I'd pick.) Malfoy initially wants to do the fish. Fred and George? Not so much. Fred says, "We don't want to carry fish, baby." George agrees. In an interview, he points out that fish-carrying, in addition to being hard work, makes you smell like fish. So...no. Furthermore, they have to earn practically nothing dancing. Pansy notices this, too, and she and Malfoy go for the dance, as do Colin and Dennis.

Happy dancing sequence. Pansy seems to take to it the most naturally. Malfoy? No. Dennis? Eh. In an interview, George officially delivers the reason I like Cha-Cha-Cha so much: "I loved the dancing. I felt like I was hit with the Jelly-Legs Jinx while on drugs." Hee! Anyway, everybody dances, everybody begs, and everybody makes it pretty easily. I would also mention that the dancing outfits they made them wear colorful jumpsuits and black boots, basically are apparently very small, because the shoes don't fit anyone (Dennis says he "can't feel his feet") and the clothes don't either. Most of the teams just let the outfits hang around their waists. (They must have been expecting some very small people to show up for this part of the Race.) Colin refers to the boots as "South African dominatrix shoes." Oh, all right. Snerk.

The clue (and frankly, since the clues say "take this form of transportation to this location, dimwit," I feel a little funny calling them "clues" instead of "instructions") tells them to take a train to Cape Town station, and then find a taxi to Langa Township and the Paradise Hair Salon. ChaMaPaTHUNK make a train to Cape Town almost immediately.

Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione get the clue in the cell, and they're off.

ChaMaPaTHUNK get to the station and climb into a taxi headed for Langa Township. When they get there, a kid on a bike points the taxi to the Hair Salon. They find the McFlag and read the next clue -- it's this week's Roadblock. Dumbledore: "A roadblock is a task that only one person may perform." As Dumbledore explains, the chosen sucker has to do several things on this Roadblock. They have to find the way to a place where they can buy some Epsom salts and a "smiley," which is a roasted sheep's head. And it looks...well, a lot like a roasted sheep's head just looking right back at you. Then you find a particular local healer, and you give him the smiley "as an offering," and he uses the Epsom salts to make you a really, really nasty drink that you have to drink all of. (The Roadblock is a lot like being initiated into a fraternity sometimes.)

The clue tells the team that the taker of the Roadblock should have "a strong sense of direction and a strong stomach." George takes it for Cha-Cha-Cha. Colin tells us that his stomach is the strongest part of his body. Um, heh. Malfoy takes it, over what are obviously Pansy's non-objections.

George takes what is more than obviously the just-right approach, which is to befriend a local guy and ask him to help find all of the various places George needs to go. (The guy he finds looks like a guy you could meet in any of hundreds of cities in the world -- gray pants, red shirt, baseball cap.) He and George take off walking and talking. (I think he tells George to call him "Timmy.") Timmy asks George where he's from, and George says he's from Cuba. (chuckle) He asks Timmy what he does in town, and Timmy says he's looking for work. As they walk around, George voices over that a person is a person wherever you go, and if you just approach them with friendship, they'll usually help you out. Right on, George. He promises Timmy they're going to have fun.

Colin is walking with some little kids who are trying to explain what a smiley is. "Meat?" Colin asks. "It's...it's my head," one of the kids says, rubbing his smooth scalp. Colin looks flummoxed. Pansy yells out to a departing Malfoy that a smiley is a sheep's scalp, which is not quite so precisely accurate, but whatever. Malfoy says he doesn't care, he's going on his mission. Snore.

One look at a smiley getting hacked in half makes Colin jump back and gasp. "Where's PETA when you need them?" he asks. Um...heh again, actually, just a little. Next, the teams buy their Epsom salts, and then it's on to the next step. George and Timmy are the first to make it all the way to the healer. George pauses in the doorway. "May I come in?" He is waved inside. The healer prepares George's potion just as Colin and Malfoy arrive. George finishes it, and sort of makes a "nyuh" shuddering noise. The healer acknowledges that it's very bitter. But then, aren't we all? He gives George the clue.

Next up, Colin and Malfoy clink glasses and drink the potion. Malfoy's is apparently a fast-acting dickweed potion (not that he needs one), because upon finishing it, he stands up and starts doing some kind of a fierce bitter-fluid-drinking wrestler imitation. Colin wants to know if there's mouthwash available. On his way out, he tells the camera that the guy gave him what tasted like "a combination of Clorox bleach and mouthwash." (THUNK. Now see? He was mugging again, and look where he ended up. Furthermore, that line is flawed according to some pretty basic rules of joke mechanics, so he was doomed from the beginning.)

Malfoy thinks the potion had something to do with "juice with a...weird foot on the bottom of it." (A foot? The hell?) All the Roadblockers return to the hair salon, triumphant. George gives Timmy a good handshake, Dennis tells Colin that he's a warrior now, and Pansy actually screams, "Malfunction!" when she sees Malfoy (hey Pansy, good name!) Speaking of the Malfunction, he interviews that he's proud they're working so well together. Yawn. "I love her," he says, suddenly doing better. But then he says that "she's awesome." (Wow, if that's the best you can come up with as a compliment for your wife, you'd better be stoned. In which case, if that "foot juice" comment is any indication, Malfoy may be all right.)

The clue tells them to take a township taxi to the next pit stop. Dumbledore explains that they're going to Lanzerac Manor, a ritzy estate in South African wine country. (I'll admit it -- I didn't even know there was South African wine country, although I've been known to drink fairly bad wine, so it's logical that I wouldn't.) As the cameras careen around, we see that the place is very beautiful, particularly all festooned with McFlags. Dumbledore reminds us, in case we've forgotten, that the last team to arrive will be eliminated.

Kalk Bay Harbor, Parvati and the Flower. They dance. The Flower completely cracks me up -- she does a little hands-in-the-air "woooo!" that has really nothing to do with the dance and everything to do with just being the Flower. (Being the Flower is a state of mind. It's a way of life. It's very nearly a political party. Somehow, a number of the contestants are all growing on me simultaneously. How did this happen?)

On the topic of teams that are _not_ growing on me, at the Cape Town airport, Harry and Neville are getting off the plane. Neville interviews that this is the first time they've been behind, and they "have some serious time to make up." Yep, I'd say so. He says they live on pressure, and adds, "Bring it." (I waggle my head and say, "Oh, it's already broughten." And then I laugh, because I am a dork.)

More teams not growing on me from the Cape Town airport. At 1:30 PM, The Teachers gets off the plane. "What are you doing?" Flitwick snaps as they walk out of the airport. "What?" McGonagall asks him. "What are you going so slow for?" he says, rather nastily, actually. (Hey, Flitwick? Don't yell at your wife. That's not an example for Hogwarts.) McGonagall chirps back, "I'm going fast, honey!" Yeech. They pile into a cab, saying they're going to try to make the 2:00 PM ferry. (I don't see how that can happen if they landed at 1:30, considering that the other teams this morning needed an hour to get out of the airport and to a boat.) At any rate, when the Teachers arrives at the ferry station, they run into July. "Have you seen anybody else?" July asks. "You're the first ones we've seen, buddies!" McGonagall says happily. They all get on a boat. Can this be the 2:00 they were going for? I don't see how it can. Hmm.

Parvati and the Flower on the train to Cape Town station. Parvati asks a woman about the township, hoping for some information she can use to get around when they get there. The woman -- not sent, I would say, by the Langa Township Chamber of Commerce -- tells her that if they go there, people will kill them and steal their backpacks. Huh? A creepy man in a red hat and shiny sunglasses who looks like he just arrived directly from the set of a Stephen King movie says basically the same thing: "If you like to be alive, don't go there." Lavender interviews that she was afraid. Man, no kidding. Parvati puts away the clue, simply saying to the They Will Kill You Lady, "Thanks." Heh. They get to the train station and get into a cab along with a bunch of other people -- this is group transport country. Shortly after they leave, the taxi breaks down. Sigh. Parvati wants to know if it's safe to walk, but the bus driver just gets out to check on the mechanical problem. I am not filled with confidence that he can fix it. The driver says he'll get another cab for them. He does, and they're on their way.

Xerox, Kalk Bay Harbor. (Ouch, that train was slow. They got off the return ferry at the same time as Parvati and the Flower, and look how far back they fell. I'm telling you, never believe the locals when they tell you to take the train.) They de-train and try to figure out how to get across the tracks to the harbor.

Detour, Ron and Hermione. They pick the dancing. Xerox arrives, and Dean remarks with obvious surprise, " Ron and Hermione are here." This is where they figure out that the train didn't work for them, and they've slipped in the standings. They read the Detour clue, and they decide to do the fish. Ron and Hermione, the first team to fit the outfits perfectly (and why does that seem appropriate?), start dancing as Xerox goes for the fish. Now, either the fish detour isn't well-planned or Xerox doesn't read it carefully, because they can't figure out how to get started. They're just wandering around looking for what fish they're supposed to carry. Meanwhile, Ron's dancing for money isn't any better than his dancing at the Samba Club, although Hermione doesn't embarrass herself too badly. As Ron and Hermione collect their tips, Xerox bails on the fish and heads for the dancing. They put the outfits on, and unlike the teams that just let the top halves dangle when they didn't fit, Xerox valiantly tries to fit into them entirely, which results in some _extremely_ high-quality Large Men Trying To Fit Into Small Clothes footage. Hee hee. The boots don't fit them either, but they cram their big feet into them anyway. They are not particularly adept dancers, but it's hard to say how much of that has to do with the fact that they are wedged into these clothes. The crowd has a good laugh at their expense, but gives up the money so they can leave.

Train station at Kalk Bay Harbor. Xerox gets on the train to Cape Town and Ron and Hermione there. Hermione asks them if they ultimately danced, and Seamus says, "We felt like, you know, the twin pixies out there." Hee! Actually, they kind of looked that way, too.

ChaMaPaTHUNK pulling up to the winery. They're obviously pretty relieved to see something so lush after braving some less-than-luxurious surroundings all day. They pile out of the cab. Fred and George run for it, and make it to the mat first. Dumbledore tells them they're team number one, and they hug, go "woooo!", and jump up and down. I love Triple-Cha. Sloppyrin is team number two, and they hug, prompting Pansy to say, "Hey, watch the butt, watch the butt." (Somehow, I want that to be funny, and it's not.) Colin and Dennis are team number three. Everybody toasts themselves.

Generic township shots. Parvati takes the Roadblock, which leaves Lavender in the hair salon waiting for her. The Flower explains that she was, reasonably enough, rather nervous, considering that everyone on the taxi told them they were going to be killed. She explains that she's a little more nervous for Parvati, who's out walking around. Speaking of which, here's Parvati, buying a sheep's head covered with flies. Yum. She interviews that she loves meeting people, she loves being out in interesting places, and she was glad she did the Roadblock. While she's gone, the Flower ventures out of the salon, where she catches the eye of a little girl. She smiles and waves. The little girl smiles, and Lavender calls her over, voicing over that she remembered she had some kids' sunglasses in her bag that Parvati had encouraged her to give to some of the kids if she had a chance. She gives several little kids pairs of shades, and one of them slides a blue pair on hesitantly. Lots of smiling, laughing little kids. The Flower says that if a pair of sunglasses makes them that happy, she feels great. Aww. She gets weepy. (This would have been even cooler if she hadn't cried, but had been able to just chuckle at how much fun it was, but it's still a pretty cool scene.)

The Teachers at the cell, getting the route marker, along with July. "We teamed up with Harry and Neville this last leg," says McGonagall in a guarded manner. She says they're "good guys," but she also believes that "you've got to watch your back a little bit." (Well, yes. Given that _it's a race_ and everything, so, technically, you have _diametrically opposed interests_.)

Ron and Hermione and Xerox at the hair salon. Seamus and Ron take the Roadblock, and team up to complete it. Seamus tells their local guide that his dad is from Sierra Leone, and the guy says (I think), "Awesome." They complete the Roadblock and drink the potion. Ron pronounces it "good." Heh: liar.

The Teachers/July at Kalk Bay Harbor for the Detour. July is so not dancing. Seriously, they are _so_ not dancing. Harry says they didn't know whether they would dance for two hours and get no tips, so they went with what they knew they could do -- fish-carrying. (I think that's the wrong call -- for one thing, it can't take two hours to do the dancing, because quite honestly, if you're not good enough for people to tip you $2.50 by then, they will have long ago paid you $2.50 to go away.) Nevertheless, the Teachers do the fish, too. July finishes first, and when they're done, they help the Teachers get the last few pounds moved. (It's an interesting choice to help out on July's part -- for about five minutes of effort, they may buy a favor later, so it's probably worth it. On the other hand, they know they're far back in the pack, so they don't really have the luxury of being nice. Assuming that they don't know for sure how far back the Groanies are, they have to wonder if those five minutes could cause them to miss a train or a bus and let the Teachers stay with them and eventually beat them. Hmm.) Either way, once all the fish have been moved, they head for the train, with July slightly ahead and waiting for the lagging Teachers. They miss a train to Cape Town by just a little bit, and Neville allows himself a moment of frustration about the effect their failure to dust the Teachers had on that development.

Parvati and the Flower, on their way to the winery. They arrive, Dumbledore tells them they're team number four, and they high-five and share some wine. (Good job, ladies. I like this team. They're not at the top, but they don't seem to bleed time at random like some of the other apparently strong teams sometimes do. I'm looking at you, Xerox and July).

Xerox and Ron and Hermione run up to the winery together. Just as Ron and Hermione did with Rita and Fudge at the end of Episode 1, the four of them put their arms around each other and step on the mat simultaneously. (I'm not sure if I'd do that, Xerox, given the whammy it put on Rita and Fudge.) Anyway, they tie for fifth. More wine drinking. Ron and Hermione? Still in the same clothes. (You can almost see the little cartoon stink waves rising from them.)

Back at Langa Township, Harry and Flitwick do the Roadblock. After Harry drinks the potion, he makes a disgusted gagging noise. "Man, that's gonna help me with the ladies? They're not gonna like my breath." (He's concerned about his breath at a time like this!)

Anyway, July and the Teachers pull into the winery a bit later (it's dark outside, so I think there's a little bit of distance between teams here) and they run up the drive to the mat. Dumbledore tells July they're team number seven. They're not too happy, nor should they be. The Teachers are team number eight. Not happy either.

Heathrow. Oh, dear. Bellatrix and Narcissa are sleeping on chairs. They finally get on a plane, and then a cab. At the cell, the clue tells them to take a taxi to the winery, so they're bypassing the Detour and the Roadblock. They arrive at the winery, and they make their way to the mat. "Talk about a day late and a dollar short," Narcissa says. The greeter welcomes them, and Narcissa says it's "very beautiful" at the winery. Can't argue with that. Dumbledore tells them they're eliminated. Narcissa laments that they're actually in last place by an entire day, and Dumbledore agrees. "You know, it's okay," Narcissa says, probably happy not to have to drag Bellatrix from place to place anymore. In an interview, Narcissa says that the other teams were really nice to them, and speculates that the teams could all "see their grandmothers getting shoved around the world."

(Okay, not to beat this particular dead horse any harder than we've already beaten it, but that's the key to their attitude problem, right there. They've insisted on seeing themselves as "shoved around" from the beginning. They've not enjoyed the racing aspect very much, they've complained, they've bemoaned their fate, and they've acted like beleaguered and reluctant participants, and that will just kick your ass right out of a competition like this. I don't doubt that they're quite likeable in person, and I'm sure they've done lots of remarkable things. But this wasn't the right activity for them, I don't think, and I can't say their elimination is any great disappointment.)

On the next leg, Xerox is stuck in the sand. Somebody yells "cheaters!" and Colin tells somebody they're "going down." Uh, okay. People fling themselves down a sand dune headfirst. One can only hope the Malfunction gets completely buried.


	8. Sex and booze in Africa, Part 1

DISCLAIMER: This is based on the brilliant recaps by Miss Alli of "Television Without Pity". I do not own the website, and I am not Miss Alli.

(Everything in parenthesis is pure opinion, and is intended for humor.)

Previously on The Amazing Race: Ships passing each other -- like ships that pass in the night, only during the day. Iguacu Falls. At the airport, Harry fell in love with his ticket agent, but she didn't like him that way. Ron and Hermione were both perfect size sixes and wore matching gold lavalieres. The alliance between Sloppyrin and July lasted just long enough for Neville to waggle his eyebrows in Pansy's general direction, and then it burned down, fell over, and sank into the swamp. Parvati and Lavender were told they were going to be killed for their backpacks, but fortunately for those of us who were not looking for them to make quite that much reality television history, they weren't. Bellatrix and Narcissa were eliminated, much to Bellatrix's obvious relief. Who, Dumbledore wonders in his deliriously dulcet tones, will be eliminated tonight?

Winery. Dumbledore notes that during the pit stop, some of the teams "celebrated more than others." Cut to a thoroughly sloshed Malfoy, looking very drunk. Lavender says that some trouble started at the dinner table, and Dennis clarifies that the evildoers were July and Malfoy. Apparently, they were getting "loud and vulgar," especially the Malfunction. Speaking of mishaps, Malfoy, wearing his hideous purple-and-white shirt, interviews about what is, by now, fairly obvious -- the fact that he had a lot to drink at the pit stop. Cut back to the previous evening, where a barely-able-to-remain-upright Malfoy says, "I want to have fun with the hot South African ladies, man." Neville is highly entertained, but I suppose he can afford to be. ("Dude, you're hilarious! Mind if I borrow your wife?") Anyway, Parvati says that "a couple of lines got crossed, and Malfoy played a key part in that." Malfoy explains that Flitwick didn't appreciate the swearing that became part of the revelry (as it so often does). Cut back to a swaying Malfoy. Malfoy even admits that the Teachers "had reasons to be upset," although he also somehow attributes the Teachers' reaction to his being in last place, which...I think is a stretch. (I know plenty of people of all ages, religions, and philosophies of life that would not appreciate being part of what's going on here, and I don't think you have to be losing the race to feel that way. In fact, I generally don't want to be a part of it, even when I'm the one doing it. Actually, _especially_ when I'm the one doing it.)

Now Dumbledore points out that at the pit stop, "other relationships continued to grow," and we see July arriving and Neville being hugged by Pansy. Next up, a grainy, poorly-lit, internet-bootleg-ish shot of Neville and Pansy huddled...somewhere. A goofily smiling Neville turns to the camera and says, "We're just 'strategizing.'" He finger-quotes "strategizing," (and he seriously needs some romantic advice, because finger-quoting is so thoroughly the opposite of an aphrodisiac, I cannot even tell you. It is truly the unsexiest thing since drooling and polka-dot bow ties.) Over more film of Neville and Pansy "strategizing," Malfoy says that his un-wife is free to see who she wants, and he reminds us that he could do the same (that sound you hear is Parvati, Lavender, Hermione, AND McGonagall simultaneously shuddering). He points out that nevertheless, they shouldn't "stick it in each other's faces," (and I'm not even going to think about what that means). A clearly drunk Neville and Pansy are still mugging for the camera, and he goes to kiss her (he is _totally_ going to kiss her, too, camera-mugging or not), and she shoves him off. (Heh. I have a warm, happy feeling that they deserve each other.)

(Wow, quite an episode -- sex and booze before we even begin the next leg.)

2:52 AM. Cha-Cha-Cha. The clue tells them to use a map to get to the Cape Aviation Business Center and find Ryan Blake Air. There are two charter flights to Walvis Bay, Namibia which Oswald fabulously pronounces "Na-meeee-bia", leaving three hours apart, and each is able to hold four teams. Establishing shots of the sun-soaked desert, then the Amazing Yellow Line helpfully moves across the Amazing World Map to demonstrate the route in case you are confused. Man, the AYL always makes it look so easy.

2:52 AM. Sloppyrin. If you can believe this, Malfoy's hat is even toolier than last week's. This time, it's a multicolored stripey knit cap in the '70s-chic color scheme of yellow, orange, and brown. (I feel strangely obligated not to be too mean to this particular hat, because it looks like his mom could have made it. If she did, I encourage her to take it off him long enough to smack him on the back of the head, and then put it back on. He'll be better off, believe me.)

2:52 AM. (Are you enjoying 2:52 AM? It's a very active minute.) Colin and Dennis. They read the clue and reveal that they've been given $210 in cash for the leg. Cha-Cha-Cha, Sloppyrin, and Colin and Dennis all leave together, and George voices over that they're all splitting a cab to the airport. As they walk out, Fred explains that he has some pain in his foot, and George says that he hurt it "trying to do yoga." Heh. (Of course, all injuries are potentially hilarious, but I especially like the idea of Fred hurting himself in some kind of ultimately unsuccessful _attempt_ at yoga.) Fred says he tried to hide the pain so that no one would know.

ChaMaPaTHUNK goes off in their van, with Pansy and the Malfunction voicing over that the cab-share made solid financial sense. They get to the airport and go inside, and they all sign up for the first plane. Cha-Cha-Cha is so excited that they do a whole who's-your-daddy boogie, which Fred cheers appreciatively. Interestingly, the yoga injury doesn't interrupt the dance. ChaMaPaTHUNK takes a group nap, as George voices over that they expect the last team on their flight to be Parvati and the Flower. Amusingly enough, everybody else has a couch or a couch cushion to sleep on, but Malfoy's on the floor. Heh.

5:56 AM. Parvati and Lavender. As they run from the pit stop to a cab, the Lavender voices over that she's been sick, so she's feeling very weak, but she's trying to hang in there. I barely recognize her in this interview with her hair down and a flat-brimmed straw hat on. When they're aboard, the Flower points out anxiously that Xerox and Ron/Hermione are only six minutes back, so if they're going to beat them to the last spot on the first flight, they've got to hustle.

6:02 PM. Speaking of Xerox and Ron/Hermione, here they are. Hermione is sporting the little Ponytail Horns again over her little blue bandanna, and she also has a camouflage shirt that says, "KAPPA." The entire get-up grabs me, shakes me, and yells, "I AM CUTE AS A BUTTON!" (I have to admit, right now, that I'm jealous of Ron.) Ron, on the other hand, is wearing a black sleeveless shirt and a knit FDNY hat. Pretty obviously, if he's going sleeveless, he doesn't need the hat for warmth, which means he's wearing the hat for effect, which I'm not amused by.

In the Parvati/Flower cab, Parvati is explaining to the driver that they're in a huge hurry, because there are teams right behind them. Back at the pit stop, those teams run for cabs. Ron voices over that he likes being in the middle of the pack, and that although they're doing well, they've been humbled by their misfortunes enough to realize that anything can happen. (Even though I don't care too much for this team, that's actually not a bad lesson -- one of the things that separates good teams from bad teams is the ability to successfully recover after a setback, and certainly that overconfidence can be your downfall, so they at least have this going for them.) Xerox climbs into a cab, and Seamus interviews that at this point? It's "eat or be eaten." (Gosh. If those are the only options, somebody else can gnaw on Malfoy, because I get the impression he'd be kinda gamey.)

In the Ron/Hermione cab, Ron promises an extra 100-rand tip if the driver gets him and Hermione to the airport before the other two teams. Then he cackles and twirls his moustache. Okay, not really. Meanwhile, Xerox which is running a few yards behind Ron and Hermione) wonders why, whenever they're tied, they're always a bit behind rather than a bit ahead. (I wonder that, too, and I fear that it bodes ill for them.) Ron reiterates that Parvati and Lavender would have left for the airport about three minutes before they did, and his driver repeats that it's no problem -- they'll beat the ladies to the airport. In her cab, the Flower tells her driver that they don't want him to get a ticket, so if he needs to slow down, he can do that. "We appreciate everything you're doing for us," she says. Flower, nooooooo! Don't slow down! Ron has bribed his driver! Faster, Flower, Faster!

Xerox asks their driver if he knows any shortcuts. (Shortcuts? Eek. Considering the Xerox luck of late, I suspect that any shortcut will take them by way of New Jersey.) The driver says yes, and adds that the other driver won't know about his big secret. (Oy, this makes me _so_ nervous.)

At the airport, Colin and Dennis snooze. Outside, a green van pulls up, and George meets it, opens the door, and extracts the Flower. Without even saying hello, he takes her arm and says, "Okay, just pay later, just go in and sign up." He scans the road for other approaching teams, leaving his hand on her arm protectively as she gets out of the cab. Parvati and the Flower go inside and check in, making it onto the first flight. (Can I just say _again_ that George is a great guy? What a smooth operator. I think he and I should open a small business together where all we do is invite girls in for tea, and if they're nice, we'll kiss their hands and tell them how fabulous they are, and if they step out of line, we'll just drink champagne and make fun of their clothes after they leave.)

Xerox arrives very shortly thereafter, only to find they've barely missed making it on the first flight. As they step back from the ticket counter, voicing over that they were only a minute or so behind Parvati and Lavender, Ron shows up in the background, out of focus. He lowers his head, and there's an insanely red blur representing his hair. I am not making this up. Finally, they pull him into focus, just as he says, "This game is about minutes, huh?" Xerox agrees, afraid that if they disagree, Ron's hair will jump out of his head, scuttle across the floor, and start arguing the point strenuously while weakening the opposition with their pulsating, blinding glow. Outside, walking with Hermione, Ron laments about being bunched away from the lead.

8:50 AM. July. They start to hurry away from the pit stop, but they realize that they're waiting for a noon flight, so they've got nothing to rush for. "It stinks being down low," Harry mopes. Blah blah blah, they're going to get their "competitive juices" going, "kick ass," yap yap yap. They get in a cab. (I silently pray that we don't have to see too much of Harry and Neville's "competitive juices," because there are some things I just don't need to know about, and that's one of them. In fact, in the book where those things are written, that's underlined and highlighted.)

8:51 AM. The Teachers. Flitwick reads the clue and refers to Namibia as "Nambia." (Bleh. Don't they ever teach Geography at Hogwarts?) They're off. McGonagall says that "all the teams that are left are very, very, very aggressive." She says you don't have to play mean to win. That sounds like a contradiction.

9:00 AM. There goes the first charter. Colin says that they were happy to be in the top tier of teams getting out on the first flight. Man, the Malfunction still has that hat on. When will the torture end?

July and the Teachers arrive at the airport. Hermione re-exposits their position in the second bunch.

The first charter lands at the desert airport, with the Malfunction griping that he can't imagine what they could possibly be doing here. "It's all sand," he says. (Well, yes. Welcome to the desert, nitwit. It's like that.) When they get over to the airport, they find the Flag and grab the clue. It tells them to get to the top of Swakopmund Lighthouse. As Colin and Dennis look at their map, it appears that they actually studied it in advance, trying to see where they might need to go. (BAH! Did Colin and Dennis do research? That's too endearing.)

Drunken cameramen careen around the town and the lighthouse. Back at the Walvis Bay airport, George and Fred are looking into renting a car, with the rest of ChaMaPaTHUNK looking on anxiously. When the lady behind the counter finds out that they don't have a credit card, though, she tells George he can't rent a car. Sloppyrin and Colin and Dennis take off in search of taxis, but George perseveres. "What option do I have?" he asks. "Credit card," she says wearily. "No credit card," he says calmly. "How can we go from here to Swakopmund?" "I can give two people a lift," she says -- just like that. Of course, something here is a little cooked, because she has to actually give four people a lift they have to accommodate their camera guy and their sound guy, but the gist appears to be genuine. Fred asks how much it will be for the ride, and the lady just says to give the driver whatever they think is fair. George kisses her hand as they leave. They put their stuff into a car, and George voices over that once again, they learned the value of being polite and pleasant when you need help. Amen, brother. In their cab, Cha-Cha-Cha discusses the fact that they may or may not remain in first place, even though they're doing well coming out of the airport.

Back at the airport, Fred and George saunter up to a little "Gift Shop & Taxi Stand," as The Amazing Little White Letters label it. He asks the lady working there how they'd go about getting a taxi. "I can arrange it," she says. "You can arrange it," Colin repeats, surprised but not overly so. "Oh, how civilized." Honestly, that could be taken as something he perhaps shouldn't have said, but I can overlook it. Then he says, "Let's get it on," and I can't overlook that. You just _had_ to push your luck, didn't you, Colin?

As Colin arranges the taxi, Malfoy crowds in, and when he realizes that Colin is getting a taxi, he wants one too. He is pushy and rude, of course. Parvati and the Flower arrange a taxi too, for 560 rand. That's a lot of their cash, and they aren't too pleased. (This might have been a really good time for teams to share transportation and save money -- I'm not sure why they didn't, since they're bunched and in the lead anyway.) Malfoy just assumes that because he yelled that he wants a taxi, one is being called for him, ignoring the part where he has to pay for it first like everyone else did. When the lady finds him outside and explains that he needs to come in and pay her, he grumpily agrees and comes inside to be rung up. Back at her counter, he repeats the price incredulously. Now he goes into Passhole-Aggresshole mode as he forks over the money: "It's okay. You're ripping me off, but it's fine. I gotta get there. Karma comes around, it goes two ways, so I'll do it just because I know that when somebody rips me off, they'll be ripped off in return in another way." (Wow. I believe in karma too, Malfunction, so just give me a minute to step away from you before you are simultaneously struck by lightning, hit by a train, and pooped on by a pigeon.) The taxi lady very patiently says, "Well, it is a long distance."

(Given that my atlas suggests that this is a distance of somewhere around twenty-five or thirty miles, that they're all traveling individually in big vans, and that 560 rand is right around fifty bucks? My internal budget is not shocked, given what I've paid for airport taxis. In fact, given that they paid thirty-eight dollars plus tip...or, of course, not 20 years ago in an earlier season to get from Central Park to JFK, I have no idea what he's bitching about. Chew on your hat all you'd like, Malfoy, but there's no injustice, and certainly no call to be rude. I sort of wish the taxi lady had told him to go get bent and find another way to get where he's going, but no such luck.) Anyway, when Malfoy is through spreading the international non-love, Parvati and the Flower, Sloppyrin, and Colin and Dennis pile into cabs.

Cape Town, 12:00 noon. The second flight leaves. Harry explains that he and Neville are "pissed" because they "know they belong up top" and don't enjoy "being down below." (I'm not sure what this could possibly mean, but I'm certainly not going to explore the possibility that it has _anything_ to do with the goings-on at the winery pit stop, except to say that I still think Neville would be more likely to get his way if he knocked off the finger-quoting.) In other news, Neville is wearing his sunglasses on his forehead, above his eyes, which is officially worse than upside-down on top of you head, the way James Potter wore them. Go home, July. And take your accents with you.

Brown Desert Highway. Sloppyrin, in their cab, look on their surroundings, and Pansy says, "This is Namibia, for goodness sakes." Meanwhile, Fred and George's private ride lets them out at the lighthouse, and they give him some money. It would be interesting to know how much they gave him, and how close they came -- high or low -- to what a taxi would have cost. They climb the lighthouse, despite Fred's busted tootsie, and they find the Flag. The clue tells them that they can look out of the lighthouse and see the vehicle they need to take next. They look out and see a row of eight SUVs lined up in a row along a nearby beach. Each is festooned with a McFlag, and comes complete with a driver, who will take over at night "for safety reasons." Man, ever since teams in that previous season 20 years ago almost died in the desert, rotted, and got eaten by buzzards, nobody gets to have any fun anymore. Fred's foot is still really bothering him as they get to the SUV, and he interviews that he encouraged George to consider the Fast Forward. When they see the clue for the rest of the leg, which includes a hike up a giant sand dune, they decide that the Fast Forward is indeed the way to go.

Dumbledore explains the Fast Forward. One team can skip all tasks and go directly to the pit stop. But they can only use the Fast Forward once. Interestingly, teams seem to be learning to use the Fast Forward a little more strategically than they did 20 years ago. This is the second team that's used it when they were physically incapacitated and just wanted to skip the leg. (This is smart, because bunching being what it is, that's really what the Fast Forward is good for. It's not good for getting out in front or extending your lead. It's for skipping a leg, plain and simple, and if you've pulled up lame, that's the time to do it.) Anyway, this week the Fast Forward is at a hotel, floating in the pool.

Colin and Dennis, in their cab, seem to have one of those drivers who moves in mysterious ways not related to the fastest method of getting from one place to another, so they're not exactly making great time. Pansy, on the other hand, says that the driver who served her and the Malfunction "rocked." They de-cab and run up to the lighthouse. When they reach the top, Malfoy grabs the clue. As they read it, Parvati and the Flower de-cab as well. They pass Sloppyrin running the other way, and Parvati says, "How did that happen?" The Flower deduces that their cab driver took them to a better and closer entrance, which it appears he did. They grab the clue as well.

At the SUV corral, Malfoy looks at the drivers and says, "What uuuuuup?" No, really. He does. Pansy reads the next clue, which tells them to drive to Matterhorn sand dune, climb it, and find the flag. Dumbledore tells us this information again. Thanks, Dumbledore. It always sounds better coming from you.

Colin and Dennis run up the lighthouse. It takes them a minute, but they spot the SUVs. Speaking of which, back on solid ground, Parvati and Lavender pull the Matterhorn clue, and Parvati starts talking Fast Forward for the same reasons Fred and George did -- Lavender isn't one hundred percent physically. They decide to go for the FF. It actually sounds like the Flower is willing to try the hike, but Parvati doesn't think it's realistic in the state she's in, and the Flower agrees.

Who will get the fast forward? Who will be eliminated? Can anyone shut Malfoy up? Keep the reviews coming, people. I love your support!


	9. Sex and booze in Africa, Part 2

DISCLAIMER: This is based on the brilliant recaps by Miss Alli of "Television Without Pity". I do not own the website, and I am not Miss Alli.

(Everything in parenthesis is pure opinion, and is intended for humor.)

It's part two of a leg in the middle of Namibia.

At the Fast Forward Hotel, Fred and George go inside. "Good afternoon," George silks. Because the clue says that the flag is where the railroad tracks used to run, they start to ask about that, but it turns out one can also find the clue from taking a gander at the big red-and-yellow flag floating in the middle of the swimming pool. So, as George explains, they dispense with the small talk. Fred prepares to jump in the pool, and George says, "Take off your pants -- no one's going to say anything." (What a crack-up. I should write that down on a card and just show it off when I don't feel like talking.) Anyway, he jumps in and gets the clue, which tells them to go straight to the pit stop at a hotel in Windhoek. Fred gets dressed, and they go inside to exchange some money, which brings them in contact with some of the hotel staff. As Fred brings over a couple of mimosas from a huge spread, George says to the woman behind the counter, "Usually when we walk into a place like this, we walk in with our Prada gear, looking fabulous...and look how we're dressed! We feel so inadequate!" (You know, Miss Manners always says that a person with really good manners is a person who makes other people feel comfortable. That's the feeling I get about George. Somehow, either in luxury hotels or in South African townships or in airports or at car rental counters, he finds a way of instantly putting other people at ease. I just love him.)

Brown Desert Highway. (Chimes of Desolation: "Bong! Bong! Bong! Bong!") In the Sloppyrin SUV, they make it to the dune and spot the flag. The Malfunction tears across the sand toward the dune. (Horns of Perseverance: "Blatblatblat blatblatblat blatblatblat BLAT!") The Malfunction deems the dune "radical." He wants to run, she wants to walk. He says tomato, she says to-mah-to. They can bicker, they can bicker, they can talk, they can talk, they can bicker, bicker, bicker, they can talk, talk, talk. They have an interminable bit of "banter" on the climb, although it's not good enough to be actual banter. In the tradition of the Cheez in Cheez Whiz and the Froot in Froot Loops, let's just say it's bantyr. He (1) calls her "dude"; (2) calls her "Bony" (not like "you're bony," but like "come here, Bony"); (3) discusses "paying her the big bucks"; and (4) continues to wear a knit hat. While climbing a sand dune. GO AWAY, MALFOY. He interviews that he wouldn't want anyone else traveling with him, and on behalf of _everyone_ else, let me just say that we feel exactly the same way.

The clue is this week's Detour -- Slide or Stride. (You know, the people who name these detours are like those horrible parents who think twins have to be named Sandy and Andy or Fred and Ned or Timmy and Tommy. In the name of honesty, I want the next Detour to be called "Take A Long, Boring Walk, or Do Something That Will Make You Want To Throw Up.") Dumbledore, whose outfit is perfectly color-coordinated with the gorgeous dunes and the blue sky, explains that in this Detour, the teams have to either hike the long way back down the dune, or they have to get on a sandboard and basically sled down the mountain headfirst on their bellies. Pansy and the Malfunction put their helmets on, and their safety instructor puts Malfoy on the board. Off he goes, and much to my dismay, he doesn't wipe out and bury himself head-down in the sand. Pansy follows. The clue at the bottom tells them to go to the town of Spitzkoppe, which Dumbledore explains is 125 miles away, and find the "General Dealer," which is a store. Get there, ask for the postcard of the day, and you're on your way.

The Fast Forward Hotel. Parvati and the Flower get out of their cab. As Lavender climbs into the pool to grab the clue, she voices over that she wasn't feeling too much like climbing a sand dune, so they thought the FF was a great plan. Of course, when she gets to the flag in the pool, she finds that the FF is gone having Cha-Cha-Cha'd right out of town. Unhappy, they leave the grounds and trudge on. When they're driving again back toward the dune, the Flower refers to this as a "dumb mistake" (which I don't think it was -- they had no way of knowing the lead team would take the FF), and explains that she's worried, because now they've lost time looking for the FF, and the teams on the second flight are probably about to catch up.

Walvis Bay Airport. The second flight lands. July starts looking for a taxi, but instead of talking to the taxi lady, they go straight for the phone and start calling. In fairness to them, a guy outside told them to look "by the phones," so that may be how they got confused. Meanwhile, the Teachers, Xerox, Ron's hair, and Hermione have gone inside, talked to the taxi lady, and set up three taxis, all of which arrive in a jiff. But those three appear to be all there are for a while, so July is dragging as Neville negotiates on the phone for a ride. In the Ron/Hermione cab, Ron prattles for a bit about the fact that the only reason July is in trouble is that they allied with Sloppyrin, because of course Ron offered to work with them and they said no, and had they worked with Ron, he would have let them take a taxi with him. In a weird way, and sort of not in the way he thinks, Ron has a point here, and it's this: as stated previously, all alliances in this game are mutually opportunistic and transitory. ChamMaPaTHUNK was a good example of a short, unsentimental alliance that worked. July/Malfunction? No. They didn't have a purpose for it, and Harry and Neville should have looked to hook up with one of the trailing teams the minute they missed the bunching.

Colin and Dennis are at the top of the dune. They slide, and they like it. (Horns of Perseverance: "Blatblatblat blatblatblat blatblatblat BLAT!")

Back at the airport, July gets the sad news that the other three teams have all left in cabs. They're both pissed off and chewing gum. Inside, Harry asks the taxi lady how the others all got taxis so fast, and she says it's because she's the taxi lady, and they asked her. "We screwed up," Harry says, finally understanding, and I feel a small wave of sympathy for him. Neville voices over that they fell an hour behind everybody as a result of having to sit around waiting for another taxi.

Top of the lighthouse. Ron and Hermione, Xerox, the Teachers. They spot the SUVs on the beach and take off. Ron keeps going, "This way, guys," like somebody appointed him leader of the scout troop or something. Oh, go wash your hair, Freckleface.

Parvati/Flower SUV. They hit the dune for the hike. "This is insane," the Flower mutters. "Take your time," Mary assures her as they climb. "Just...I'm going to walk one foot behind you."( I think that's exactly the right decision, because it's only going to make things feel worse if Parvati walks ahead and keeps waiting for the Flower to catch up. If she's feeling slow, better to follow behind. In case she swoons or something.) The Flower complains that she's weak and getting sandblasted, but she keeps walking. "I was dragging," she interviews, "and, of course, Parvati talked me through." They reach the top. (It's interesting -- it's hard to tell right now whether the Flower is going to keep being sick through the entire race, but I actually think she and Parvati pulled through this nicely. Given the twin setbacks of illness and missing the FF, they could have gotten really discouraged and bailed, but they kept plugging, and it paid off.) Anyway, they choose the slide. "What a rush," the Flower says at the bottom. (You know, I don't know when, and I don't know why, but I have developed a big honkin' soft spot for the Flower. She has certain qualities in common with women who usually turn me off, but she's just so damn chipper, you know? It's hard to fight it. She's the Flower! Be the Flower! Embrace the Flower while there's still time!)

Back at the SUV lot, Ron and Hermione climb into their vehicle, as do the Teachers and Xerox. And here is The Obscure Xerox Difficulty Of The Day: they can't drive stick. No, really. They can't drive stick. Tragic for them, but I have to say, this is why this is such a good show. You just never know. Among other things, the driver's seat is on the right side of the car, so even if you know how to drive stick, this particular task involves driving stick _with the other hand_. Throw in the fact that they're lost, and Xerox is struggling.

In the Sloppyrin SUV, Malfoy calls her "Bony" again. How lovely, really. At least she calls him "Lazy" in return. (I'm so disappointed that I can't have these people over for Thanksgiving dinner, because I bet it would be really pleasant.) He mentions paying her "the big bucks" again. (Wow, Malfoy, that is a mighty short joke-recycling time. At least wait until tomorrow to recycle the jokes of today.) They find the General Dealer. Even though the building says "GENERAL DEALER" on it, Malfoy asks the guys outside, "Who's the general dealer?" (No, Malfoy. The dealer is not a person, although I can understand how you might think it is, given some of your shirts and that blank expression you wear when not angry.) Inside, they ask for the postcard of the day. The clue on the postcard tells them they need to find a woodcarvers' market.

July jumps a railing and heads for the lighthouse. At the top, they look out and see their SUV, all alone in the lot. Harry voices over that this part was rather depressing. What he says, precisely, is: "The hah-dest paht was lookin' down and seein' that the-ah was only one caah left in the pah-kin' lawt." (This was the highlight of the episode, I'm sure, for anyone who's into the accent. Hey, we all have our weaknesses.)

In the Colin/Dennis SUV, they're pulling up to the General Dealer.

Dumbledore shows us the Brown Desert Highway again, clarifying for anyone who isn't paying any attention at all that everyone is making their way through the desert of Namibia. He catches us up with the fact that George and Fred are in front with the FF. Other leaders are Sloppyrin and Colin and Dennis. In the middle, we have Parvati and the Flower, Ron and Hermione, and the Teachers. Trailing are Xerox and July.

Ron and Hermione spot the flag and give a big "wooo." Don't overdo the "woo," Ron and Hermione. "This is it, baby, this is when we start coming back," he intones. "Team WG Weasley/Granger, we're going to take control of this game." (Ew. They sound like airheads.)

Xerox is lost. Sigh. They stop and ask someone where the Matterhorn sand dune is, and a woman tells them it's "in the desert." They thank her anyway.

Flitwick and McGonagall on the sandboard. He's at the bottom already, waiting for her. "Please don't wipe out," he chants to himself as he watches her. Heh. As she slides to a stop at the bottom, she has a wonderful open-mouthed expression on her face. Aw -- go, McGonagall.

Sloppyrin, arriving at the woodcarvers' market. Excellent singing and dancing, and two guys sitting under a tree. The clue at the Flag is for this week's Roadblock. The clue says that the person performing the Roadblock should "know his animals." That is a really crappy clue, given what the Roadblock turns out to be, which is buying five specified animal carvings from the market, and bargaining the price down as low as possible in order to conserve your money. They have to buy a lion, an elephant, a rhino, a buffalo, and a leopard, which Phil describes as "Africa's Big Five animals." After they buy their animals, they have to bring them to a bushman sitting under a tree, who will give them a great big wooden giraffe as well as their clue.

Pansy takes the Roadblock at the Malfunction's urging. She knocks the first guy from twenty down to ten, but the next lady is having none of it. As she runs from one little stand to another, Malfoy calls her "Bony" _again_. (Man, where is the big gong when you need it?) Tara finally takes her bounty to the bushman. She shows him the various animals, and when she shows him the buffalo, she says, "Buffalo...totonka! Totonka!" and she does the little Costner finger-horns. It's really very funny, actually. One point for her. The giraffe clue takes them to the pit stop at Amani Lodge. Interestingly, they have to take the big giraffe along, which I think is just funny. (It's like a ransom note -- "Deliver $25,000 to the red and yellow mat -- and bring the giraffe!")

Colin and Dennis pull up to the marketplace just as Sloppyrin is leaving. Malfoy snots, "How did they catch up to us? They were obviously speeding, man." (Excuse me, Malfoy, but they've been on your ass all day, so just relax. Does Malfoy relax? Oh, no.) "Cheaters! Speeders!" he barks at them as he gets into his car and they get out. "We weren't speeding," Colin says exasperatedly. After Malfoy climbs in and closes the door, Colin yells, "You're going down!" Hee.

Dennis takes the Roadblock. As he looks over under the tree, Dennis says, "Look at the natives over there!" Colin: "They're called people, they're not 'natives.' It's not 1800." Hee! Seriously. I don't fault Dennis too much -- that's the kind of remark I think it's easy to make and then feel _very_ stupid about, but Colin was right on.

July, looking for the dune. They're lost. (Are they lost enough? I'm not sure. The only thing I'm sure of is that they have the goofiest pronunciation of "route marker" ""rowwwt mah-kah" ever.

Xerox drives off the paved road into the sand, still looking for somebody who knows where the damn dune is. Unfortunately, the SUV doesn't take too kindly to the sand. "We could be in trouble right now," Dean says. "Please don't tell me we're going to stall in the desert," Seamus responds. Um, no. They don't stall. What they do is get buried in the sand up to the middle of the tires, and the more they spin the tires, the deeper they dig. Seamus makes an attempt to push the SUV out, but it doesn't work. "We're stuck, man." Oh, dear.

Xerox tries to wave down some help. As they voice over that "people are very friendly," a guy comes over and helps them push the SUV out of the sand, but they're all casting very long shadows right now, so it's obviously getting late. I think they probably spent a lot more time there than you could tell from the way this was cut together. When the SUV is free and clear, the guy even gives them directions to the dune. Thanks, helpful guy! Dean, in an interview, cautions against counting Xerox out too early.

Parvati and the Flower at the Roadblock. The Flower agrees to do it. "You have to barter," Parvati commands, and actually that's not the word she wants, but that's all right. In what winds up being a pretty funny sequence, Parvati barks that "everything's negotiable" and that the Flower should "knock it right in half immediately," while the Flower gathers her things together and sort of chants to herself, "Yes, Parvati...yes, Parvati..." I love this team. "Lavender, let them go against each other!" Parvati loudly suggests as the Flower walks toward the market. "_Okay_, Parvati, I can do this," Lavender calls over her shoulder. (Now, in fairness to the Flower, it's hard to tell exactly what happens here, because there is quite a bit of cutting, but it appears that essentially, she takes the prices exactly as they are rattled off to her.) "Sixty? Okay! Forty? Okay!" I find it hard to believe she really did that, given the conversation she just had with Parvati, but it looks like she did. She does get all the animals, though, and goes to get the giraffe. "I have to come back here shopping someday," she says.

July at the sand dune. They talk about how hard the hike was. As they climb, some crafty editor shoehorns in a shot of Neville -- slo-mo, windblown, side-lit, and rippling with buffness. This shot could not be more perfectly packaged for me if it had a tag hanging from it that said, "To all female viewers. Love, The Editors."

The Teachers let their driver take over as the sun drops in the sky. McGonagall explains that the rules say you have to give the wheel over to your driver at 7:00 PM. Harry, in the July SUV, says that apparently it's dangerous because you could hit a big animal in the road and be "a caah-cass yourself."

Xerox still can't find the damn sand dune. Eek. One guy offers to tell them -- tomorrow. Wha? They note that the dune Detour closes at 7:45 PM. The time? 7:37. Sniff. I have to say that what happens to Xerox here is really sad, but their conversation with that guy is really funny. Seamus's got this barely-restrained-frustration thing going, with his "Please help me. No, please. Really. Help me." And the guy gives them the old, "Come back tomorrow." The guys are like, "TOMORROW?" It's funny.

Why hello, Cha-Cha-Cha! They're driving up to the pit stop, and George is explaining that they had no choice but to take the FF, considering how Fred's foot is faring. Fred good-naturedly points out that he even has his shoe off, which strikes me as a bad sign, because it sounds like swelling. Swelling sounds like more than a strain from attempted yoga. When they reach the pit stop, it turns out there's a bit of a haul on foot from the car to the actual mat. Fred takes off limping, and George says, "I guess I'll carry your backpack." Fred's foot looks like it's really hurting him as he runs up to the mat. George drags behind, carrying both packs. Go, you fabulous beast of burden, you! They hit the mat, and Dumbledore says they're team number one. They hug. George interviews that they're feeling good, but he hopes his "fine feathered friend" is able to compete on that foot the next day. (I share his concern. That foot looks like it's bothering Fred a lot, and I'm not convinced he'll be well tomorrow. I suppose we'll see.)

In the dark of early evening, Ron is at the marketplace. "I need the bushman," he says, although he pronounces it "bush-man," like he's referring to a delegate at the 2000 Republican convention. He turns in his little animals and takes the big giraffe. And no, that is not a euphemism.

The Teachers reache the Roadblock, and Flitwick does it. Meanwhile, July locates the General Dealer. When Flitwick returns to the Teacher SUV with the giraffe, he is confronted with the dilemma of how the heck to transport it. He actually gets very frustrated trying to wedge the thing into the back of the SUV, eventually barking at McGonagall to tell him what to do. She comes to his rescue, telling him that he needs to put the heavy part inside and let the light part hang out of the tailgate.

Colin and Dennis arrive at the Amani Lodge. "Boy, am I in the mood for a longneck," Colin shticks as he pulls the giraffe out of the SUV. (THUNK.) They hit the mat, and are told that they're team number two. (As much as they annoy me, I have to give them credit for doing a very fine job in the last couple of legs.)

Sloppyrin, suffering a touch of Taxicab Curse, are driving around looking for the lodge. Malfoy interviews that the problem actually happened because they "forgot to read" the details of the clue. Heh. Yeah, reading the clue is generally a good idea. In the car, he calls her stupid and smacks her in the head. Wow, do I ever hate him.

The Teachers, leaving the marketplace, pass July, which is arriving. In one of my favorite little moments of the episode, Flitwick mentions to McGonagall that that was Harry and Neville they just passed, and she literally growls, "Man." It's very un-McGonagall, and thus very funny. That's pretty much as much hostility as she can muster, and I think she's turned on them since the drunken revelry at the last pit stop.

July pulls into the Roadblock. Neville does it, and he appears to struggle a bit with the bargaining, in the sense that the price keeps going up, rather than down. I must point out, though, that the clip where he goes, "Fifty? Seventy! Eighty! A hundred!" is totally cooked, because it's all with different people, except for "eighty" and "hundred," and there's still a cut there, so it's hard to tell what order it all happened in. He does point out to eighty/hundred guy that the price isn't supposed to go up when you bargain with people, although it appears to be a pretty jovial discussion. When he's done shopping, Neville looks for the bushman. "Hey, bushman!" he yells. As he lays out the animals, Neville says, "A leopard here for you, bushman...I got an elephant here for you, bushman..." What a coincidence! Bill Weasley said something like that 20 years ago in the previous season.

Sloppyrin arrives at the lodge and runs up to the mat, giraffe in hand. Welcome, you are team number three. She voices over that they're getting along "pretty well." (That appears to be true, and all the extracurricular sex she's having is probably _really_ greasing the wheels.)

Parvati and the Flower's SUV is following Ron and Hermione's up to the pit stop. "Oh, Hermy," Ron sighs in their cab, with his arm around his girlfriend. Whatever. Out of the cars, though, Parvati and Lavender get a few feet ahead of them, and then Ron and Hermione go off the path and cut through the trees in order to gain about thirty seconds and finish before Parvati and the Flower. Lavender voices over that the whole thing left them feeling "disappointed."

(Now I suppose that it is possible that Ron and Hermione didn't know they weren't arguing over last place, and if that's the case, then what they just did wasn't stupid at all, but otherwise, I think it was very, very stupid. They've just gained probably literally one minute on Parvati and Lavender, who seem to be pretty well-liked by other teams. In the meantime, they've managed to enhance their own growing reputation as not-very-nice players. I'm not saying they cheated, I'm saying I think that unless you have reason to believe that you risk finishing last, that kind of maneuver has no effect on your situation other than to piss people off. Fair or unfair (and I happen to think it's unfair, mostly), Ron and Hermione are getting a reputation for nastiness, and they'd be wise to monitor that situation.)

The Teachers come in to finish sixth. Right behind them, here comes July. Dumbledore tells them they're team number seven. Neville throws himself into a big hug with Dumbledore. "Did you think you were out?" Dumbledore asks. "Yes, I did," Neville says. Now Harry awkwardly hugs the "bushman" (I don't know if that's the right terminology, but they don't give me anything else) who is serving as a greeter. Furthermore, he says, "Gimme some." Said greeter looks rather uncomfortable. I realize that it's not meant to be disrespectful, but this is a very weird choice on Harry's part. I also realize that Bill and Charlie hugged the greeters once or twice 20 years ago, but somehow that appeared to be an overbubbling of enthusiasm, and this seems like more of an effort to appear sweet, and it just seems weird.

Xerox. They sadly explain that they didn't make it to the dunes before they closed, so they just went ahead to the pit stop, presumably skipping the Roadblock and the Detour. One of them voices over that it's been great, that he's had fun, and that he wouldn't trade it for anything. Aww. They step up to the mat, and are eliminated. They take it pretty well. "I love this guy," Dean says, indicating his doppelganger. Sigh. "If they can finish this," says a Xerox, over footage of the other teams, "I want to be at the finish line to shake their hand." Ooooh, good ending!

The lesson of this episode? _Do not in any way become affiliated with Ron and Hermione_. They step on the mat with Rita and Fudge, and Fudge and Rita are eliminated. They share a tent with Bellatrix and Narcissa, and Bellatrix and Narcissa are eliminated. They step on the mat with Xerox, and Xerox is eliminated. I'm telling you, it's some kind of creepy-ass Texas Unforgivable Curse or something. Do not fall victim!

Next time: Ron and Malfoy hiss and spit at each other some more. July and Colin and Dennis screw around, although Dumbledore tries to make it sound like they have a serious fight. McGonagall doesn't really appreciate being in a cave full of bats.


	10. On to Asia, Part 1

Before I begin, I'd like to apologize to whoever's feelings I hurt with the Minnesota comment. I never meant any harm.

DISCLAIMER: This is based on the brilliant recaps by Miss Alli of "Television Without Pity". I do not own the website, and I am not Miss Alli.

(Everything in parenthesis is pure opinion, and is intended for humor.)

(Previously on The Amazing Race: Namibia was hot, sandy, and short of ground transportation. Colin and Dennis sped across the desert in a desperate attempt to escape the stench of their own jokes rotting in the sun. Fred went into the pool in his underwear and won the Fast Forward, proving once again that wherever you go in the world, nothing pays off like partial nudity. Ron and Hermione annoyed Parvati and the Flower, and not just because of the team outfits. July screwed up quite a bit, but eventually slid in ahead of Dean and Seamus, who were eliminated after burying themselves in the sand and becoming lost on the way to the great big sand dune. Neville hugged Dumbledore, who pretended not to mind, and Harry hugged the defenseless greeter, who called his attorney and filed a lawsuit based on the hostile work environment. Who will be eliminated tonight?)

Amani Lodge, Namibia. Here's Ron, with no shirt on. As the teams enjoy their downtime, Harry spills the beans to Sloppyrin that, between rehearsals for the All-American Traveling Dental Hygiene Showcase, Ron has been conspiring against them. Pansy says that if Ron tries anything, then "game on." Whatever that means. When Ron shows up, Pansy calls him over and tells him that she knows about his Rasputin-esque plan, and she doesn't appreciate it. Ron denies it, and tries to improve his situation by clarifying that he's not conspiring against Sloppyrin; he just doesn't like them. Ron: Master of Diplomacy.

At this point, we are treated to another helping of sour grapes fried in bitter batter regarding the behavior of the Redheads. Pansy snipes at Ron, leading with, "You cut the Grannies off at the airport and made them cry." (I find that a bit hard to believe, given that the show was giving itself multiple hernias from how hard it was pushing the Ron/Hermione intrigue angle at that point, so I'd think it would have made use of any available footage of the weeping elderly.) Moreover, Pansy wasn't even there, so for these as well as many other reasons? Shut up, Pansy. Jumping in to help, Malfoy brings up the fact that Ron and Hermione "cut in front of Parvati and Lavender" to get to the pit stop. (Again, it appeared that Malfoy wasn't even there, but I'm relieved that his total lack of knowledge -- as well as the fact that Ron and Hermione didn't do anything wrong in the first place -- doesn't interfere with his feelings of self-righteousness.) Disheartened and sure that this is all leading nowhere, Ron walks away. "Play your own game and we'll play our own game and we'll see who wins," Malfoy snots to Ron's back. Malfoy threatens to "feed Ron to the tigers." Malfoy thinks the Redheads are trying to disrupt the race, Dennis thinks Malfoy and Ron should just rumble and get it over with, and Ron thinks that if Malfoy wants to be ugly, that's fine with him. Oh, and somewhere along here, Pansy says "game on" again. And it still doesn't mean anything. Frankly, the more Malfoy picks on him, the more sympathy I have for Ron.

I'll tell you what else is interesting here, and that's who's playing both sides of the fence. Not only do we get shots of Hermione eating with Neville, but we also get a nice shot of Ron, Hermione, Harry, Neville, and Dennis all hanging out. I think we can all agree that they're all united against the Malfunction.

7:47 AM. Cha-Cha-Cha. The clue says that once again, a spoon-fed car and driver are waiting (sigh) and that they should tell the driver to take them to the airport. Once there, they'll fly to Bangkok, Thailand. As Dumbledore explains the clue in detail, the drunken cameramen show the way. Fred and George get in their car, and George voices over that the last time he was in Thailand, he "was picked up by a Rolls-Royce." (I have a feeling that this time, he won't be.)

10:34 AM. Sloppyrin. They're happy and excited about Bangkok, which they call their "second home" because they go there frequently on business for their furniture store Twin Beds Separated By At Least Three Feet 'R' Us. Pansy and the Malfunction think they will therefore have the home court advantage.

10:45 AM. Colin and Dennis. On the topic of Bangkok, they say "woo hoo." Literally. In their car, Colin says, "My parents always took me to Thai restaurants, Chinese restaurants, sushi...I know the culture." (THUNK. Wow, it's hard to understand how he went wrong after starting with that truly brilliant nugget of humor about how all Asian countries and cultures are alike. Because that is _hilarious_.)

11:34 AM. Parvati and the Flower, together on the mat with the Redheads. Hermione is bringing us another of her eye-catching getups, this time a pair of black baggy pants and a sports bra modeled on the Texas flag. (Insert your own "everything's bigger in Texas" joke here.) Ron gallants that the Redheads are going to let Parvati and the Flower open the clue first, in return for doing "the wrong thing" yesterday at the finish line. You can just call this development Ron Starts To See The Writing On The Wall. (Remember last week's discussion about how, strategically speaking, you should try to keep the hating of you among the other teams from getting too out of control, even if you did nothing wrong? Yeah, Ron's thinking about it too.) Anyway, Parvati and Lavender read the clue and leave. Once inside a cab, Parvati says, "It was nice of Ron and Hermione to let us read first today." And then, sarcastically, "You know, welcome to the world of being human." (Ouch. I can't help wondering if there's something going on here that we're not seeing, or whether there's a huge case of groupthink going on, because I can't account for the strong negative feelings some of these other teams have about Ron in particular. It's a little weird.

In the Redhead car, Ron says that he's going to win over the ticket agents at the airport by giving them the wooden rhino that he got last week in Namibia. (Um, okay. Ron: King of Pointless Bribery. And if you're trying to copy your brother Bill who gave his necklace to a ticket agent 20 years ago, don't. Bill did that after he got what he wanted, and it was just a way of saying thank you. You're not that smooth, Ron. I know you want to be.)

11:44 AM. The Teachers. They open the clue and take off.

Airport Bunching. Pansy and Malfoy get a flight to Johannesburg, connecting to Bangkok. Speaking presumably of the flights, or possibly of Bangkok, he tries to put on his heavy-lidded Look of Looove and says, "It's beautiful, just like you sometimes." (Excuse me, did he say "sometimes"? Way to kill the mood, Malfunction. She should totally have come back at him with something like, "And my darling, I love you dearly when you're not a passive-aggressive, preening prick." She doesn't do this, of course, much to my great disappointment.) She does snort and tell him to shut up. (Hey, I do that for every episode!) He voices over that he doesn't know what's going to happen in their relationship in the future. (I can't tell you for sure, Malfoy, but I have a vision of attorneys dividing up closets full of retro-hippie clothes and Grateful Dead records.)

12:59 PM. July. They know that the long flight is their chance to catch up, just like in Iguacu Falls. "We're back, baby, we're back!" Neville yells into the camera, so closely that I can actually _see his gum_. He does this because he is, now and forever, that guy. He's so completely that guy that if he weren't getting his TV exposure here, I'd expect to find him on MTV's always-enlightening Spring Break coverage. Harry, in the meantime, just wants to "bring it home to Beantown." Cough.

In the car, Neville explains that ChaMaPaTHUNK are friends, and that Parvati and the Flower, The Teachers, and the Redheads are friends. And then, all alone like a couple of wallflowers at the prom, there's July. (On the topic of friendship, I get the ChaMaPaTHUNK thing, but I'm not sure about the friendship between the other three. When was the last time you said, about one of your friends, "Welcome to the world of being human"?) Furthermore, Neville goes on to say, "We're better friends than the teams in front." (Wait a minute, friends with who? With each other? I'm confused. I fear that Neville might be kind of...dumb. I can only imagine what happens during Potions class.)

Colin and Dennis and Cha-Cha-Cha work on their flights. Fred kisses the ticket agent. Nice going!

Ron's brilliant attempt at some kind of rhino payola scheme winds up making him look like an idiot, particularly when he takes it upon himself to _tell the woman it's a rhino_. (I'm sure she appreciates that, because now she doesn't have to stand there all day scratching her head, saying, "What kind of a cat _is_ this, anyway?" Sigh...yet another of Ron's schemes goes up in flames.)

Parvati and the Flower and The Teachers book flights. In the July cab, Harry explains their strategy, which is to "kick everybody's ass." (That's quite brilliant. Perhaps he could write that one down for me.)

Everybody but July makes a 1:55 flight from Windhoek to Johannesburg. As July works the ticket counter, Harry observes Ron's rhino sitting on the agent's desk. "Apparently, one of the other teams gave their rhinoceros to her...very suspicious," he says with a wary eyebrow pop. (This is actually Harry's funniest moment ever, and I did chuckle. They eventually get a 3:00 flight, so we are indeed in for the Mega-Bunching.)

In the Johannesburg airport, in what actually will turn out to be a significant development, the Redheads and Colin and Dennis go to the counter and pursue better seats on the connecting flight to Bangkok. "As far forward as possible," Dennis asks. He'd like to be "sitting next to the pilot" if the agent can arrange it. Heh. In other news, Ron thinks that once they arrive, Hermione should sell her hair, because blonde hair is such a rarity in Thailand. He's officially kidding, but he's also clearly eyeing her scalp. (I'm telling you, something about Ron just makes my skin crawl.)

As everyone waits for the Bangkok flight, Ron decides to try to clear the air with Malfoy. (Well, if by "clear the air," you mean "blame Malfoy and absolve himself.") He approaches the Malfunction and says that since Paqueta Island, Malfoy has been trying to "make Ron's life a living hell." In a true display of whining, Ron says, "I came on this trip to have fun, and it's not fun anymore." (No, no, no, Ron. You cannot have it both ways. When other people say you're an ass, you say it's a race, and you're there to play the game, and I've always stuck up for you. But then you can't say you just came to have fun. Man, nothing bugs the hell out of me like people who want to have it both ways.)

Pansy defends Malfoy's insufferable ass, Malfoy acts like an insufferable ass, Ron is self-righteous, Dennis is watching with great interest, blah dee blah. "If you're having fun, is it at all of our expense?" Malfoy asks plaintively. (I really, really detest Malfoy and his entire wounded-fawn routine. I honestly expected him to whip out a hanky here and start dabbing his eyes with it like some kind of jilted southern belle.) After Ron walks away, Tara smirks self-satisfiedly. (Short version? Everyone involved in this conversation is an idiot. They can all eat each other and I won't miss any of them.) As Ron runs his fingers through his hair (AAAAH! MY EYES!), Malfoy tells Pansy that Ron wants to "latch on like a bloodsucker" as they head for Thailand. (I really don't think it's that, exactly. I think Ron feels a weird obligation to try to act like he cares whether people like him, when actually he doesn't. But Malfoy, of course, sees everything through the lens of his own ego, so...whatever.)

July's flight from Windhoek lands, and they meet up with everyone in the Johannesburg airport. Harry notes the bunching, which makes it a seven-way tie for first. Everybody gets on the flight, and we see an interesting quick shot of Colin huddled with July and Sloppyrin in cramped quarters in what looks like carefully-secured privacy. The alliances certainly are shifty around here. The Amazing Yellow Line makes its way to Bangkok on The Amazing World Map.

Bangkok. Dumbledore explains that the teams will "have to take a bus" more on that in a minute from the airport to the SkyTrain, get off at Siam station, and hike to a shrine where the next clue can be found. Colin and Dennis make it off the plane and onto a bus first, and Dennis promptly calls Colin a "wacko." I knew Dennis was the smart one. Ron and Hermione are out next, and on their bus, Ron congratulates himself on getting the good seats on the flight. In the airport, Pansy and the Malfunction bicker about whether to wait up for July, who's still coming through customs. She wants to wait (chicka-chicka) and he wants to go. She also says it's "not cool" to accept people's help and then not help them, which is...true in life, but probably not in reality TV. She interviews that she's frustrated because Harry and Neville are "cool guys," and Malfoy's all about "beating people." Yes, dear. It's a _race_, not a _cotillion_. As if the July controversy weren't enough, they fight about the more relevant fact that Malfoy wants to head out of the airport and make a break for it, despite having no idea where he's going. She thinks this is stupid, and on this, she has a point. He responds by calling her stupid, as he does every week. Not lightly, either. He looks at her and says, "Pansy, you're _stupid_." (Pansy? Run away, seriously.)

We get a quick shot of the monk section. No, really. It says "For Monks Only." And sitting in it? You guessed it -- monks. Elsewhere, Pansy and the Malfunction are still fighting. She points out that often, before you go somewhere, it's helpful to figure out where you're going. Isn't she a stick in the mud? I think she also calls him "dumb," but it's hard to tell, exactly. The Malfunction thinks the real issue is July, because she wants to wait for them and he doesn't. Fight, hiss, spit. But enough about petty arguing -- let's move on to outright corruption. Malfoy decides that a clue telling you to take a bus means you can rent a private "mini-bus" which basically means taking a taxi, and when they connect with July again, he and Neville exchange a hopelessly dweeby little quasi-high-five over the exciting news. (Excuse me, but if the clue says to take a bus and uses the word "bus," renting a "mini-bus" which constitutes taking a fucking taxi, no matter what you call it does not qualify at all, and I'm frankly disgusted that they let these guys get away with this. It is this kind of slick-ass, truth-stretching, underhanded YES, underhanded play that undermines the whole enterprise, _and_ forces the producers to write the clues so that they say "go here, you big dumb morons." I think it's a total cheat -- not even a close call. But I guess if you're afraid you can't win clean, this is the other way to go.)

Anyway, in The Taxi Of Reprehensible Cheating, the Malfunction is gloating because he got away with it. (I cannot describe to you how vile and disgusting he is in this scene. It's like somebody gave him amphetamines and a frontal lobotomy for his birthday.) "That's what I'm talking about, takin' it to town!" he yells incomprehensibly. Pansy points out that the Malfunction wanted to ditch July, and Neville tells him he'd better not. Malfoy leans back and puts his arms behind his head as he basks in the "luxurious ride," and I'm sure everyone in the cramped vehicle really appreciates that intimate contact with his armpits in all of their same-clothes-for-three-days, weeks-without-a-shower glory. Pansy suggests that Malfoy owes her an apology for the way he's been acting, and he says, "Yeah, right," with complete disgust.

The Teachers, back at the airport, looking for the bus. They find one, and are soon joined by Parvati and the Flower. The Flower says she's scared of Thailand. Cha-Cha-Cha is last off the plane (gasp!). They get the next bus, but they're running behind. Oh, dear.

(You're going to think you're hallucinating this part.) Colin and Dennis pull up to the Sky Train on their bus, and when they disembark, there are three people standing there, wearing round green insect costumes, who flap their wings and stand in bug-like postures. No, seriously. They have antennae and everything. Well, two of them have two antennae, and one of them only has one. (I think that one might be the leader. Or a novice. It is also possible that they're pears, not bugs. But since two of them have two antennae, I think they have to be bugs. I guess maybe two of them are insects and the last one is a pear. That could be part of the message, if it's art.) Either way, the pears or bugs are no help in getting to the part of the train station where you get tickets, but Colin and Dennis find their way anyway, and they board the train. Ron and Hermione are next onto the train, followed by The Really Really Big Cheaters, July and Sloppyrin. "We're lucky to be traveling with Malfoy and Pansy," Neville rejoices, "because this city is not easy. This is why we created an alliance with them." (In his head, however? He's thinking, "Also, it's cool because Malfoy comes up with the best ways of cheating.")

Colin and Dennis are first off the train, and they find their way to the Flag, which is smack in the middle of the crowded city. Dumbledore tells us that it's time for the Detour, which this week is called "Confusion Now" or "Confusion Later." As it turns out, both Detour options are pretty much Confusion Throughout, but the idea is this: you either find your way to a water taxi that will take you to a bird market where you will release a cage of sparrows, or you take a taxi to Chinatown and perform a ritual where you burn a paper car as an offering to your ancestors. The way they intend this to work is that finding the right water taxi is hard, but finding Chinatown is easy, whereas releasing the birds is easy, but pleasing your relatives is, as always, a pain in the ass.

Colin and Dennis decide to take the Chinatown option. The Redheads are close behind. Malfoy is on the train, saying that he knows right where the Flag is located because Bangkok is his "second home", whatever that means). As he and Pansy and July are getting off the train, the Redheads are finding the Flag. The teams meet at the clue box. "Greetings, fellas," Malfoy snots to Ron. "Hello," Blake says, surprisingly politely, as Hermione continues reading the Detour clue. Hermione complains in an interview that Malfoy glares at Blake, and she can "feel the tension" between them. (I would have really loved it if she had just looked over at Malfoy at this point and said, "Are you looking at us? Stop looking at us! Stop it! Stop looking at us!" That's about the level of discourse we're reaching here.) Anyway, the Redheads elect to go to Chinatown, but Pansy tells July that Chinatown is "crazy" and they decide to go for the birds. "Ron and Hermione are going to Chinatown, dude, they're done," Malfoy says confidently.

Is Malfoy right? Keep reading…


	11. On to Asia, Part 2

DISCLAIMER: This is based on the brilliant recaps by Miss Alli of "Television Without Pity". I do not own the website, and I am not Miss Alli.

(Everything in parenthesis is pure opinion, and is intended for humor.)

All the way back at the airport (eek!), Fred and George finally get a bus. It looks completely different from the ones the other teams took, though. Hmm. George is happy to see that the bus is air-conditioned. On the bus, they discuss the fact that they are indeed a little nervous about being in last place. Meanwhile, Parvati and the Flower and the Teachers get off the train and head for the Flag. When they read it, Flitwick passes the Detour decision off to McGonagall, who decides to do the birds. When Parvati and the Flower show up, they do the same. Although the teams choose the same task, they head off in opposite directions. Hmm.

On the bus, Fred and George are charming the socks off a young woman. "We need a lot of help," they tell her. "Want to come with us and spend the day with us?" She smiles and says she will. They're very happy. Once off the bus, they ride the escalator with their new friend, whom they introduce to us. "This is our friend Fern, who's going to be our saving angel," George grins. She smiles shyly. As they wait for the train, George asks her whether they saved her from school, and Fred says, "You were going to study, right?" "No, I'm lazy," she says. Hee! They laugh. When they get to the flag, they choose the Chinatown route, taking her along. Apparently, she's not as convinced as Pansy that Chinatown is "crazy," but then, she only lives there.

In the Colin and Dennis taxi, Colin complains about the smell. "Is that my shoes, or is that Bangkok?" (THUNK. I thought that was funny, but then again, I have really smelly feet.) Once out of the cab, they find their way to a shop, where a woman clarifies that they're supposed to buy a paper car. A big plastic bag full of paper cars drops from the ceiling, and a woman hands them one. They set off to look for the shrine where they're supposed to make the offering. It is, as it turns out, not all that easy to find. When they finally find the big fire where they're apparently supposed to throw the car, Colin protests that his grandfather would never drive a BMW, which is apparently the kind of paper car they were given. (THUNK.) A nearby woman tells them they should pray first, and Dennis says that the clue doesn't say to pray. Nevertheless, they do a cursory bow to the fire before they toss the car onto it. Colin apologizes to his grandfather for not sending an American car. The bigger problem arises, however, when after burning the car, nothing happens. There's no clue. Oops, wrong shrine. Gotta go back and get another car.

Sloppyrin and July, heading for the bird market. Interestingly, Malfoy and Pansy have no idea where they're going at all. Way to "take it to town," Malfunction. Ron and Hermione, in Chinatown. They buy a paper Mercedes, find a big fire, and throw their car on. Ron mentions that he's "burned a couple cars in his day." You have? That's...interesting. But in the end, nothing happens for them, either. Again, it's the wrong shrine. Heh.

Parvati and the Flower are on the way to the bird market. Parvati is getting directions. Back to the Teachers, stuck in town, still trying to find the water taxi. Flitwick voices over about how hard it was for them, being in this completely overwhelming and hectic city. He probably feels that way in Diagon Alley, too.

Back in Chinatown, Colin and Dennis and the Redheads pick up new cars. Hermione notes that she sees Fred and George. Ron and Hermione take their new car (a white one this time) to a different shrine, and the guy there tells them that they have to pray before they throw the car in. Cut to Ron and Hermione, kneeling in front of an altar at the temple. I can't hear what they say, though. And once again, Ron has once again thrown the car into the wrong fire. As he explains in an interview, he chooses to take a stick and pull the flaming car out of the fire, once he discovers that he's screwed up. As he explains in the interview, he realizes that he just tried to take back what the people he's with consider to be an offering to his ancestors, so it's not really so terribly respectful of the custom. (Or of his ancestors, who are presumably somewhere in the great beyond wondering what happened to that white Mercedes that was driving up a second ago.) He knows it was an idiot move, particularly since the car is made of _paper_ and is therefore pretty much gone by the time he pulls it out anyway. Yet another one of Ron's schemes (and cars) goes up in flames.

Meanwhile, Colin and Dennis finally find the right shrine. When the car takes a long time to light, Dennis says, "Those Germans make some good cars." Okay, small "heh." As it burns, they get their next clue, which sends them to a temple at Ratchaburi -- they have to take a bus. They get into a tuk-tuk headed for the bus station. The tuk-tuks, for those of you not in the know, are the little things that are like a motorcycle with a trailer and a canopy.

July and Sloppyrin de-boat at the bird market. They abruptly evict a collection of reluctant sparrows from their cages and grab the Ratchaburi clue.

Elsewhere, Cha-Cha-Fern take their car to the right shrine on the first try (thanks, Fern!). George, incidentally, is wearing an adorable shirt that says, "For Good Luck, Rub My Tummy." Hee. He explains that whatever religion you are, you have to be respectful of everyone, and that whatever you put out in the universe comes back to you. Fern agrees to take Fred and George to the bus station.

Sloppyrin and July are trying to get transportation to the bus station, but they get separated (no pun intended). July takes a tuk-tuk, after Malfoy pronounces that they don't "hustle" and scurries off in a taxi with Pansy. Oh, the irony!

Parvati and the Flower buy their birds and grab their clue, and they're off.

The Redheads are being shown to the right shrine at long last. When they kneel at the altar, Ron asks Buddha to help them not be eliminated from the Race. Like Buddha cares.

The Teachers are still looking for the water taxi. Yikes!

Leading are Colin and Dennis and Slopppyrin. In the middle are July and Parvati/Flower. Bringing up the rear are Cha-Cha-Cha, the Redheads, and the Teachers. Malfoy harasses his cab driver, who looks like he doesn't like Malfoy too much (who does?). Meanwhile, the tuk-tuk turns out to be the way to go, because it doesn't have to sit in traffic. The cars are sitting there eating bus exhaust, and July's tuk-tuk just putters, "See ya!" and is gone in a second. Colin and Dennis do well, too, and they wind up alone on the first bus to Ratchaburi. Harry calls the tuk-tuk decision "the decision that turned it around."

In the Parvati/Lavender taxi, the Flower isn't enjoying the odors of Bangkok.

Malfoy is paying his cab driver after being dropped off. "One hundred, one hundred," he insists. "I know Thailand, my brother." "My brother"? Yeesh. After he negotiates with the cabbie and gives a flippant pseudo-bow, the cabbie drives off. In short order, Malfoy and Pansy notice that they're not actually at the bus station where they wanted to go. "He dropped us off in the middle of nowhere," the Weasel notes. Whee! (I would really like to think the cabbie dropped them off in the middle of nowhere intentionally for being so unbelievably rude, because that would just please me to no end. I want somebody to get burned, and if it was Malfoy right here, then it couldn't happen to a more deserving guy.)

Parvati and the Flower make the third bus to Ratchaburi.

Malfoy and Pansy argue some more as they stuff their stuff into yet another taxi. "You just want to play your way, angry-little-man way," she remarks. "This is my fault?" he drones sarcastically. (Yes, Malfoy, it's your fault if you're stranded because your driver couldn't stand you, because as much as I don't dig Pansy, in other company I suspect she might be perfectly all right. The problem is you, "dude," whether you know it yet or not.) When they're on their way, she says she's been asking him for two days to chill out, and he hasn't. Of course, this is because his "chill out" switch rotted and fell off long ago, but I suppose hope springs eternal.

And now for a few travel updates: Cha-Cha-Cha and the Redheads are close together, approaching the Ratchaburi bus...Sloppyrin jumps on a bus to Ratchaburi, but it looks quite different from the buses everyone else is taking...in a cab, Fern teaches Cha-Cha-Cha how to say "hurry up." Heh. Alas, despite this, the Redheads beat them to the bus station and get on the next bus.

The Teachers finally make it off the water taxi, but now they can't find the bird market. Huge props to the camera guy who grabbed this week's Sad Irony Shot, which is of a big sign that says "BIRD MARKET" with an arrow in the foreground, and then features a little pan over to Flitwick and McGonagall walking in the opposite direction from the arrow. That is a fine, fine piece of work, and I'm surprised they managed to nab it without tipping the Teachers off. At any rate, even after they are within hearing distance of the cheeping birds at the market, they have a terrible time finding it, even wasting valuable time climbing a long set of stairs only to find nothing at the top.

"It's really wonderful that Fern came with us," Fred explains in the Cha-Cha-Cha cab, "because Fern speaks the language and has been able to communicate with everyone." "Fern is fabulous. _Love_ her," Oswald says plainly as he looks at his guidebook, and Fern smiles. Sigh. I want to be fabulous, too. Let's all be fabulous! Red and George now deliriously repeat her name -- "Ferrrn." She teaches them to say "thank you," and they do. (I don't know whether Fern saved Cha-Cha-Cha a lot of time; I suspect she was a very good hedge against a disaster like Jeebus encountered, and I suspect she may indeed have been a big help. But honestly, even if she _wasn't_, there's something to be said for the following: Who do you think had the best time today? Who do you think probably learned the most about Bangkok? I bet it was Fred and George. In other words, most of these people aren't going to win a million bucks, and what they're going to take with them is the memory of a really great trip, so as long as it doesn't work to their disadvantage in terms of the race, I think Fred and George's adopt-a-local strategy is just more _fun_ than what everybody else is doing. By all means, race your behind off, but all other things being equal? Enjoying yourself isn't a bad idea either.)

The Teachers finally, finally, _finally_ find the bird market. To their credit, they keep plugging along, headed for the bus station and the Ratchaburi bus. Quick shots of all the other teams on their various buses, and then back to McGonagall and Flitwick, as she talks about how he always insists on carrying her backpack. Aw. "He's been my rock," she says. Especially around the arms, I think, because Flitwick has biceps like hams.

Colin and Dennis and July, despite having been on different buses, run into each other while disembarking. Both teams get into tuk-tuks and head for the temple that's specified in the clue. And now, The Great Tuk-Tuk Horseplay Of 2006. A little ways behind July, Dennis leans out and yells, "You guys! The rivalry begins!" Heh. Eventually, they wind up driving along next to each other. "Get! Away! From our taxi!" Colin yells. Dennis leans out and tries to kick July, and Harry reaches out to try to grab Dennis's feet. It's very funny, and it's _very_ bunch-of-guys-on-a-trip, and they're all laughing. "That kid's on the crack pipe, man," Harry says when they've pulled ahead again, over a shot of Dennis making quite an impressive "damn you, you dirty bastard" face and shaking his fist. They wind up parked together at a red light or the Thailand equivalent. "Boston sucks!" Colin yells. "NYC!" Dennis follows. "Shut up, Yankees suck!" yells Harry (and I am so in agreement with that that I could almost forgive everything else Harry has ever said, because certainly, now and forever, the Yankees suck.) Before you know it, Harry and Neville's tuk-tuk coughs, wheezes, and breaks down. Colin and Dennis speed by, and Colin gives a little salute. I loved that scene, and it's by far the most I've ever liked either of these teams.

Cut to Parvati, interviewing on the bus. "Lavender is using the restroom, the public restroom, right now," she says with a little smile, as Lavender approaches in the aisle. Parvati grins and points at her. "Look, she did it. Did you do it?" The Flower confirms that she did. "This is huge for her," Parvati says. Snerk. The Flower thinks the bathroom was pretty gross, but Parvati insists it's clean.

Sloppyrin. "I think this is not an express bus," the Malfunction gripes. (Of course, Malfoy has already shown today that he misunderstands the meaning of the word "bus," so I suppose he could also misunderstand the meaning of the word "express.")

Temple at Ratchaburi. Colin and Dennis arrive, and start looking for the flag.

July works on their tuk-tuk's radiator problems. (Between fixing the tire and apparently knowing how to lend a hand with the radiator, I have to say that Harry is very resourceful when it comes to taking charge of his own destiny.) They note how sad it is that "Team Bozo" got in front of them.

Speaking of Gary and Dave, they're at the temple, but they can't find the flag. Colin, in an interview: "It's very weird for me to go to a temple and look for a clue. Usually I go to a temple and look for a parking space." (THUNK.) While they're hunting around, July arrives. Neville spots the flag immediately, and now they're in first place. They open the clue, and it's the Roadblock. Dumbledore explains the task. Basically, one member of the team has to venture into a cave full of bats to retrieve the next clue, wearing masks to protect against "dangerous bacteria." Dun dun dunnnn! Dumbledore earns his paycheck this week for his delivery of the phrase "millions...of bats!" Harry takes the Roadblock for July, and when he re-emerges, he has nothing nice to say about the experience. "Totally rank, it was diaper city," he warmly recalls, in an interview over the footage of him gingerly working his way toward the clue. Turns out that in addition to the bats, the place is crawling with roaches. Once he gets the clue and gets back out, they read it. It sends them to the pit stop at Ban Plai Pong Pang, a "traditional river house," which they have to reach by taking a "long boat," which you may think of a canoe-taxi without being too ridiculously far off.

Parvati and the Flower show up at the bat temple, and they spot the flag, too. When they read the clue, which says that the person who performs the Roadblock should be "comfortable in a crowd," Parvati immediately knows what it is, and says it doesn't matter to her who does it. The Flower literally takes a big breath and says, "I'll do it." Note that it's not like the Flower isn't pulling her weight -- the Flower did the last Roadblock the bargaining, after all. I was sort of impressed that she jumped right into this one.

After quite a bit of meandering, Colin and Dennis finally find the flag, just as the Redheads arrive. So, we see that Colin and Dennis's little flag-finding difficulties have allowed July, Parvati and the Flower, _and_ the Redheads to catch up. Ron takes the Roadblock, and he goes in with the Flower. They appear to go together, for the most part. The Flower makes a lot of "ooh" and "uh" discomfort noises. Back at the entrance, Dennis takes the Roadblock and runs right into the cave, just as Ron and the Flower find the Flag. I think Dennis hauled ass into the cave, because he catches up with the Flower, who has suddenly become separated from Ron. "I was smelling elimination more than bat guano," Dennis says, by way of explaining his apparent bravado. He also ditches the mask along the way, the better to enjoy the full benefit of the dangerous bacteria. As Ron emerges from the cave, he tells Parvati that Lavender is right behind him, and I think he really believes she is. But she's not, quite, and Dennis actually emerges next, leaving Parvati to stare apprehensively at the cave entrance. (I think he ran out of the cave really thinking she was following him, and as it happened, she wasn't, because she took some kind of a wrong turn.) Where is the Flower?

Turns out the Flower is really only a little bit lost, so she gets turned around and on her way in a short time. She also seems to remain pretty calm, which is nice to see. She and Parvati find a taxi, and are now running a little behind the Redheads and Colin and Dennis. When they're aboard, Mary congratulates her on a job well done.

July at the long boat. Somebody says "daddy-o" again. I wish they'd quit that.

Sloppyrin at the bats. Despite the fact that Pansy is ahead two-to-one in the Roadblocks _and_ she did the last one, Malfoy tries to tell her she has to do it, but when she persists, he finally agrees. Have you noticed that Malfoy is a big baby, in addition to being an ass? As Pansy goes into the cave, we cut back to July, landing on the pit stop mat. The greeter welcomes them, and Dumbledore tells them they're in first place. They high-five, and frankly, they deserve it. They had a very good day. (I also have to say that I have never seen two men who have the high-five-and-backslap-hug thing down to more of an exact science so that their bodies don't collide for one nanosecond more than necessary to execute the maneuver. Ladies and gentlemen, The Straightest Wizards In Hogwarts, and don't you forget it.)

Sloppyrin tells their driver to go "super-fast." They're in a taxi, as are Parvati and the Flower, whereas both the Redheads and Colin and Dennis are still tuk-tukking it. Catching on that this isn't such a hot idea, Colin and Dennis bail out of their tuk-tuk in favor of a taxi, just as Parvati and the Flower find the boat.

Back at the bat cave. Cha-Cha-Cha arrives, and they are rather dismayed at the giant swarm of bats. Nevertheless, they read the clue and George takes the Roadblock. As he walks in, he calls out, "If I don't come out alive, I looove you." (Oh, George. We love you, too.) Then he says, in an interview: "I basically walked into the bat cave, and I said, 'Okay. This is my chance to be really, really butch.'" Ha! Inside, he looks for the flag.

Sloppyrin cab. "We're going to catch up to those other teams," Malfoy insists to their driver. Meanwhile, Colin and Dennis have hit another snag. "We're lost," Colin complains. "Buddha is not our co-pilot." (THUNK.)

Because Ron and Hermione took a tuk-tuk, and Colin and Dennis got lost, Sloppyrin obliterates the time deficit they were suffering so recently. Sigh. In return for this good fortune, Malfoy vows that if he can stay in the race, he'll try to stop being such an insufferable jerk. Gosh, thanks, Malfoy. Pansy says, "Hallelujah," but she knows he's lying. They're next to get to the boats.

Parvati and the Flower step up to the mat. They're in second place. Nice job, ladies -- they had a good day, too. Then the Redheads get a boat, followed by Colin and Dennis who almost totals himself getting into the boat.

The Teachers find the bat temple.

Cha-Cha-Cha, having a very difficult time with their driver going from the temple to the pit stop. (They're also in a tuk-tuk -- wrong!) The highlight here is when George says what sounds to me like, "Oy, _Dios mío_." Hey, he said he's from Cuba.

The Teachers open the bat clue, and McGonagall takes it. As they read the details, she gets a bit nervous. "Flit-wick!" she despairs. She's doing good work today, though, and she trudges forward. My favorite moment is when she says, "Honey, I'm going to scream," and then she screams _immediately_, because she saw a bug. Oh, honey, you ain't seen nothin' yet. "Oh, crud," she non-swears as she goes in. Inside, she gets bonked on the head by a bat. Eek. She screams, but she finds the clue anyway. On the way out, she hands Flitwick the clue, and says, "No more Roadblocks for me." He laughs. Aw, they're kinda cute.

Longboat race between Sloppyrin, the Redheads, and Thunk. Sloppyrin arrives first, and they're rather stunned to hear they're third. "How did that happen?" Pansy wonders aloud, laughing. (You want to know? LUCK OF THE EVIL, my friend. Luck. Of. The. Evil.)

Cha-Cha-Cha, still looking for the boat. Oh, noooo!

McGonagall and Flitwick, also on the way to the boat.

The Redheads land on the mat fourth, and they hug. Thunk is fifth, which means they had rather a bad leg. They were nicely in the middle of the pack, and now they're second to last of those who remain. What's more, they were first for much of the leg, and they just got hammered by the temple-to-pit-stop sequence.

A boat pulls up to the pit stop, and Dumbledore and the greeter look at it curiously. From it emerges, thank goodness, Cha-Cha-Cha. Yay! They don't seem too happy, but hey, at least they're not eliminated.

The Teachers' boat. Aw. They pull up, they're greeted, and they're eliminated. They talk about what a wonderful time they had, and what a great trip it was. That's pretty nice, actually. Flitwick gives mighty compliments to his lovely wife, to the point where he gets all teary. Biceps + Crying Instant Emotional Payoff. She explains that she's not exactly the REI poster girl, so this has been a pretty big adventure for her. Again, aw. Yay, McGonagall.

Next time: Parvati and the Flower get down and dirty. Colin and Dennis fight about being cheaters and speeders, and then they joust with Parvati while rafting. More adultery and intrigue on _As the Malfunction Turns_.


	12. July's mistake, Part 1

DISCLAIMER: This is based on the brilliant recaps by Miss Alli of "Television Without Pity". I do not own the website, and I am not Miss Alli.

(Everything in parenthesis is pure opinion, and is intended for humor.)

Previously on The Amazing Race: Africa was lousy with ostriches, so everybody hauled ass to Bangkok. Malfoy and Pansy were snotty and overconfident as a result of their alleged familiarity with Thailand, as opposed to other past episodes, in which they were snotty and overconfident as a result of their personalities. Malfoy promised to be less of an ass in future legs, and thousands of viewers emptied their savings and raced to their local pari-mutuel windows to bet against it. George and Fred sprouted a Fern. The right form of transportation was all it tuk-tuk for Harry and Neville to land in first place. (Ugh, sorry.) McGonagall and Flitwick, in the end, lost their way and fell out of the race. Who will be eliminated…next?

Thailand, where the drunken cameramen have apparently gotten into the No-Doz again. Dumbledore tells us that we are at a "traditional river house" called Plai Pong Pang in central Thailand, where the teams have been hanging out and resting up. Mingling et cetera, including a shot of Colin and Pansy in which he's looking at her and she's looking at the floor. (I think he just told a joke, and she's staring at its decomposing corpse.) Dennis bandages his leg. Once _again_, Ron has no shirt on. Ron: Community Chest. Dumbledore wonders aloud whether Malfoy can maintain his new "humble attitude," (and millions of people reading this yell, "Oh, yeah, RIGHT!") Malfoy, incidentally, is still wearing The Hat. It has not gotten any more attractive. Dumbledore wonders whether Pansy will keep flirting with Neville. (I think it's safe to say that if Malfoy doesn't stop wearing The Hat, she almost certainly will.)

6:11 AM. July. Harry, as usual, is carrying The Amazing Purse. I've forgotten to mention that. This season, all the teams have these little red-and-yellow striped bags, which appear to be adaptable as shoulder bags or fanny packs. The clue tells them to go to Bangkok and find a flower vendor at a particular intersection. More drunken, caffeine-guzzling cameramen fly down the river, as Dumbledore voice-overs that the teams will take a boat to Ampawa, then have to figure out how to get to Bangkok. Turns out there's rather a large and sprawling flower market at this particular location, so finding the particular flower stand that carries the flag is the challenge. Dumbledore concludes with his best dramatic delivery of the week: "The largest...flower market...in Thailand!" In their spoon-fed longboat (sigh), Harry and Neville luxuriate in the pleasures of being in first place. "Harry and I have said from the beginning that this is where we should be," Neville interviews. (Well, my dears, I'm glad you've finally reached your deserved position. I'm assuming that now that you've corrected the anomaly, you'll cruise straight through to the end and everything.)

In Ampawa, July looks for a ride to Bangkok. Nobody really speaks English, but they wind up piling into a taxi (or, as Malfoy would call it, a bus) and hoping for the best. "We got a little bit of a language barrier going on," Harry opines. Of course, I don't always find it easy to understand what Chris is saying either, so...I certainly sympathize with the Bangkok ground transport community. Maybe they speak English, but they don't speak Harry.

6:42 AM. Parvati and the Flower. In an interview, Parvati says that she thinks Lavender is finding the experience "overwhelming," but she gives her sister credit for having "grown in leaps and bounds." (It's easy to find Parvati patronizing in these situations, but I have a feeling that there is a _lot_ of history here, and I suspect that as plucky as I find the Flower these days, she may not have always been that pleasant to have around.) Speaking of the Flower, she says that Parvati has pushed her when necessary, and that she's already made lots of progress in overcoming her fears. (Considering how energetic she seems to be now, for a girl who was afraid to sleep on the beach in Rio, I have to say I see her point.)

7:19 AM. Sloppyrin reads the clue, then piles into their boat. Pansy voices over about how the Malfunction promised that he was going to try to improve his attitude, but as they get into the boat, he starts in on the driver literally within five seconds. No, literally. He is being rude to the driver within _five seconds_ of dropping his ass in the boat. Good grief. Pansy is joining in as well, although in her interview, she says that Malfoy was being an ass (thus breaking his pledge), but insists that somehow she wasn't being as bad as Malfoy, who was "screaming at this little Thai man." (I'm sorry, did she say "little Thai man"? Ugh. Speaking of said man, I'm not sure he's drawing much of a distinction between the two of them, because he seems ready to throw them both into the drink, and rightly so.) By the way, Pansy is also wearing an unnecessary knit hat. Will they never learn?

7:22 AM. Redheads. They open their clue and the money for the leg ($120). A scruffy, needs-a-shave Ron interviews that other teams are showing weakness, but he and his girlfriend are just getting stronger. (Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stronger or not, these two still give me the creeps. It's a whole Sci-Fi Channel movie-of-the-week thing -- "They looked like All-American siblings, but week after week, they got stronger and stronger, until one day..." Well, you know the rest, with the vacant stare and the bloodsucking and such.) Oh, and can you guess what they do in the boat? That's right. They say, "Wooo!" (If I didn't enjoy typing the word "Redheads" so much, I would definitely call them Team Wooo!) Hermione interviews that they can overcome anything. What's she wearing? An unnecessary knit hat, and there's no overcoming that.

7:23 AM. Thunk. One of them brilliantly voices over that when they stop making mistakes, they'll do better in the race. (Boy, what they lack in wit, they certainly make up for in stupidity.) Anyway, now we cut to Colin and Dennis's interview footage, and -- oh, for the love of all that is -- what is _this_? Colin is in an earflap hat. No, really -- an earflap hat. It's sort of greenish-black, vaguely condom-like, and features a logo on the front that I refuse to attempt to decode. Dennis is wearing a red bandanna. Now we enter into our special feature of the day, "Colin And Dennis Dis The Other Teams: A Study In Glass Houses And Stone-Throwing." Over footage of Malfoy and Pansy de-boating, Thunk says that Sloppyrin is a strong team, but Pansy wants to be friends with people more than she wants to win. Dennis thinks Thunk can use that to their advantage. (I think Dennis might be thinking of another show, like _Survivor_ or something. I might need to send him a telegram reminding him what show he's on.)

The Redheads, followed by Thunk themselves, de-boat and grab cabs for Bangkok. In one moment I particularly like, Ron seems to be looking at something (a book of some kind), and trying to figure out something about what it says, and then he slowly turns it upside-down and tries again. That was cute. When the Redheads are in their cab, Ron explains that the guy said "market flowers," so they're hoping that means he knows where he's going. Dennis yells at Thunk's driver to go faster, and Colin asks him to calm down. Ah, Gary. The voice of reason. Over footage of Ron and Hermione, Colin says that "Team Smiley," as he calls them, is "weak," because "they've never had to fight for anything in their whole world, except maybe their sorority slots." (Well, I'm pretty sure Ron didn't fight for a sorority slot, but I guess when you're Colin, you do what you can.) Anyway, (THUNK). Dennis says the Redheads are "children" and that Thunk will "step all over them when they need to." Ron, meanwhile, jury-rigs a diagram of the cross-streets they're looking for, looks up the word for "market," and has Hermione draw a flower. (Although this does qualify as one of Ron's Wacky Schemes, I have to say that it's one of his better ones, since it's not necessarily doomed to failure before he even begins.)

Colin holds up what looks like it's part of the clue. "Look at this," he points out. "This is one word in the Thai language," he complains. "I'm upset that the British never took the time to colonize this place, because nobody speaks English. How can you make anybody go fast that takes fifteen minutes to write one word?"

(Okay, first of all? (THUNK-THUNKETY-THUNK.) Second of all, Colin is a jackass for making that particular joke, and there's no way around it. The fact of the matter is that there are some things that are just a little too sensitive for a clod like Colin to make into THUNK fodder, and I think that if you want to prove me right, just ask yourself how funny an analogous comment about how much of a shame it is that we abolished slavery would have been. Would you have expected laughter? Then why would you expect it from this? Furthermore, as a general matter over the last few episodes, that's a few too many Asian-culture-sucks jokes from one guy, and he needs to dial it back for a while and find something else to make fun of besides the country he's visiting and the people who live there. Look, I know he intended to amuse. But it's a dumb-ass comment, pure and simple.)

Hermione waxes rhapsodic in the Redheadmobile about how cool it is when Ron comes up with one of these elaborately pointless pieces of maneuvering, because she thinks it's so way cool when he demonstrates his ability to "think outside the box...or as we call it, 'think outside the race.'" (Oh, please don't say "think outside the race." Don't say that ever again, Hermione. I want to like you.)

In the Thunk cab, Dennis says that he likes Fred and George, and that they're "funny, entertaining guys." "Yeah, but they're divas," Colin whines. Cut to Cha-Cha-Cha, taking their 8:31 departure time. Earflap Colin interviews that Cha-Cha-Cha is "suffering from a case of shopping withdrawal." Dennis: "I don't think they're enjoying themselves that much, and I don't know how badly they want to continue." Cut back to the Chas in their boat, where Fred looks pretty happy but George indeed looks pretty bummed. "Of course it won't start," he says flatly as the boat meanders. He interviews that the race was fun at first, but now it's getting to him. Fred adds that the bunching is getting them down, because they worked to get out of last place, and now there they are again.

Cabs, cabs, cabs, on the way to Bangkok. As they approach the city, the traffic gets nasty and snarled. The Colin and Dennis publicity machine starts in on Parvati and Lavender, who Dennis allows are "tougher competitors than he thought they were going to be." Colin counters that the race requires two people with "killer instinct," and that the Flower "can't kill anything, except maybe a pink margarita." (Well, nitwit, they're running substantially ahead of you, so apparently she who can only kill a pink margarita is at least as well off as he who can kill only a perfectly good joke.)

Pak Kong Talad flower market. July de-cabs and starts looking for the flag. Harry: "It's in here somewhere, and we're just going to have to figure out where the clue is by walking around." Give him a hand, ladies and gentlemen; he came up with that comment all on his own. For some reason, one guy that they meet holds up his fists, and Harry is highly amused. This sequence is noteworthy because it gives Harry yet another opportunity to use the expression "kick his ass." Did he really _need_ another opportunity? Harry wants to find the flag "before the other chumps get here." (Again, I note how carrying The Amazing Purse brings out Harry's eyes. I wish he had matching shoes.)

Non-chumps Parvati and the Flower arrive, followed by Sloppyrin. Malfoy comments that the flower market is "really going to separate the men from the boys." Malfoy, of course, will be filed under a separate special category, "annoying rodents." Back to July, having a very stupid conversation about what "corner" means. Harry says that "there's a corner at every road intersection." (It certainly is difficult to get anything by Harry. He's a quick one.)

"The bully boys' weakness," Colin says, as the Thunk cab approaches, "is that they're not in their natural environment. There are no beer bongs here, there are no toga parties, and there's not a lot of drunken women. These guys don't know what to do without their party, and soon they're going to realize they shouldn't be here at all." (This is such an asinine comment that I'm really not sure whether it's supposed to be funny or not, which means that if it is, he didn't do a very good job with it. If he didn't, I think Colin needs to spend a little less time being envious and a little more time running his own race. Come to think of it, I think that's the theme of this entire trash-talking segment.)

July, still looking. Harry: "It's not just one market, it's a whole world of flowers." The flower market's advertising department runs to put that on all of its promotional brochures, posters, pens, key chains, t-shirts, and suction-cup car-window decorations. Harry goes on to say that he and Neville are in the process of piddling away their lead. "We're about half-retarded right now," Harry remarks as they continue looking. (The only good thing about that comment is that you really haven't fully appreciated an accent like Harry's until you've heard him say "retarded." It's not my fault; it's simple linguistics. Also -- 'half'?) Parvati and the Flower are still looking, too. Parvati is dismayed to discover that she and Lavender have crossed over to "the vegetable side."

At long last, July finds the flag. The clue tells them to go by train to Chiang Mai and find the Old Bridge. Also, note that the clue, as Neville reads it, says that they must travel by train "all the way to Chiang Mai," which is presumably aimed at turkeys who might be tempted to, I don't know, jump off halfway there and take a taxi. Dumbledore reviews the clue. Back at the flower market, July jumps into a tuk-tuk headed for the train station. Parvati spots them leaving, and deduces that the clue is probably somewhere near where they were when they left. Good call, Parvati! She and the Flower follow the scent of July to the clue with no further difficulty. Parvati talks to a driver about whether he can take them to the train station. "Train station," she says, pointing at the clue. The guy says, matter-of-factly, "Elevator." (Hee! I don't entirely understand why that happened, but it was funny as hell.) They eventually do find a guy who's a little clearer on the distinction between a train station and an elevator, and they're on their way.

Pansy and Malfoy jump out of their cab, and she calls him "Malfunction" again. (That always puts a little smile on my face, I must admit.) They're quickly followed by the Redheads. But, of course, because of The Luck Of The Evil, Pansy finds the flag first, entirely by accident. When they read the clue, they recognize Chiang Mai, which makes Pansy grin and makes them high-five, because of course they've learned that having heard of a place before means they'll be able to get there faster than everyone else. Idiots. Pansy tries to find a cab driver to take them to the station, and gives us a glimpse of her train impression. It's pretty limited -- it doesn't go very far beyond "choo choo," and considering that trains really don't so much go "choo choo" anymore, I'm not sure how helpful that is. When they're in the cab, Malfoy confidently points out that other people won't spot the clue as quickly as they did. "I think, for you to do that..." Pansy grins and says, "Are you giving me props right now?" Malfoy considers his answer, and then says, "No, I mean..." Pansy: "No, I didn't think so." Sigh.

The Redheads are still looking, and Thunk is just showing up. "Look for the clue, look for the clue!" Dennis yells. The Redheads find the clue as Cha-Cha-Cha pulls up. Thunk finds the clue and gets a cab. Fred and George are still looking. George describes himself in an interview as "tired" and "a little bit angry." He says he'd rather be somewhere comfortable. Ah, wouldn't we all? They find the clue.

July gets help with the train at some kind of tourist center; then we're at the train station. The teams discover that the next train doesn't leave until three o'clock (remember, it was very early morning when they left the pit stop), and that, in a great reminder of the fact that everything is relative, it's a "rapid train" but takes fifteen hours. "We're all going to get bunched up again," Malfoy says. Shout-out! Talking to Parvati, the Malfunction says that the train ride will be "grueling." Actually, he says "grueling, grueling, grueling." (Three "gruelings," Malfoy? It's JUST A TRAIN RIDE.)

Teams arrive, Colin and Dennis find out that in third class, you don't get a bed, and George takes note of the bunching. Several of the teams decide to take a shopping excursion in Bangkok while they wait for the afternoon train. It looks like this trip includes Sloppyrin, July, the Redheads, and Parvati and the Flower. Malfoy does not go _anywhere_ without that hat, it appears. (Do you realize that he has been wearing that hat nonstop for three episodes?) At any rate, Ron takes the opportunity to shop for sunglasses, having lost his in London. He pays four bucks. As Parvati tries on a shirt, she calls in Harry to get her a better deal. He offers the woman in the shop "one hundred...and I'll give you a hug." (Shout-out to his 4th year dance!) But he winds up hugging the Flower. Ron tries to negotiate for a book, and gets shot down. Harry, on the other hand, is going like gangbusters with the Bangkok retail crowd, and now that he's using his alleged hotness (his own friggin' popularity should be enough) to extract favors from women, he looks like he _is_ in his element. The teams eat lunch, and Neville eyeballs Pansy over his noodles.

Wait and see what happens during lunch with these odd couples!


End file.
